Tips for Half-Assed Living: Alternatives to the Microwave

If you no longer live with your well meaning but suffocating parents and you’re anything like me then you’re trying to find the absolute minimal amount of effort you need to put in to your domestic duties to make sure you don’t die.

Hands down the greatest appliance (and arguably scientific advancement in the last hundred years) is the microwave. It’s fast and as efficient at heating up food as any oven or stove top as long as you don’t mind yesterdays fries a little dry or soggy depending on your respective microwave. Microwaves are amazing and I’m curb-stomping jealous of anyone who owns one. When I visit my parents for a weekend I microwave the SHIT out of everything I re-heat even if it’s still warm or has no business being warmed up.

microwave1(The Holy Grail of Kitchen Hardware)

Im pinning for a microwave but I’m too cheap/poor to breakdown and buy one. I know you can get them for like $50 at Walmart but that would be $50 worth of heat I can’t afford, of 2-3 superhero T-shirts I can’t buy. Priorities people.

I figured others must be finding themselves in the same predicament as me so maybe we could go through a few alternative methods to substitute (but never replace) the microwave:

  1. Lets start with the fastest and simplest standby. You could buck the fuck up and eat that shit right out of the refrigerator. If your laziness out weighs the respect you have for your stomach than why not? Whip out your balls and eat your food cold and raw like your prehistoric ancestors. I however hate the texture of cold pasta sauce or potatoes, and seeing as my balls are metaphorical I will do no such thing.
  2. The most obvious solution. Re-heat on the stove or in the oven. It may take longer to re-prepare your food but that lasagna or Campbell’s chicken noodle soup will taste just as good as it did the first time around. What’s that? Your SmartOnes pre-packaged dinner says microwave only? Well I have as many fucks as I do microwaves. None. Put that shit in the oven. The plastic tray doesn’t melt so much as it does reform anyway. The downside however is more dishes. Ew. If you only own about 5 pots and pans this guaranties you’ll be washing by dinnertime.
  3. My go to fall back when I need to eat that bowl of rice before if goes bad. A way to bring your food to a reasonable temperature while performing the least effort you can achieve and without leaving more shit to clean in the aftermath. The Baby Bottle Method. 

For any of you who have never had to look after a kid while they’re still on the nipple or can’t imagine the transition from baby bottle to tuple ware I’ve taken the time to visually document the procedure step by step.


Things you’ll need:
Leftovers, tupperware container, large mixing bowl/cooking pot and a kettle or I guess a stove if you choose to use a cooking pot. Or not. Whatever.

Step 1.
Select your rancid leftover. In my case it was a bowl of two day old, over-cooked, Sidekicks Creamy Garlic Raffaello.

(No relation.)

The sauce is all congealed and the pasta is likely 65% cardboard.

Step 2. Place lid on firmly or (spoiler alert!) you could get water all up in your food and shit. When you think about it Isn’t food really just pre-shit? I digress…

Step 3. Place Sidekick filled, tightly shut, tuple ware container in the mixing bowl.


Step 4. Fill kettle (Another very valuable piece of kitchen artillery) and set to boil.


Step 5. Fill mixing bowl with water. If your tupperware is closed properly it’ll probably float, if not it’ll sink like that big ass boat Kate Winslet posed naked on for Leonard Dicaprio that one time.

You want that tupperware as submerged as possible so you may need something to weigh it down with. For me is was a glass. Or you can just use a utensil to hold it under water until it stops fighting.

(Shhhhh… It’ll all be over soon.)

I’m sure you are smart enough that you don’t need to be told not to use your dumbass hand because the water is fucking hot but apparently I needed someone to remind me so I’m going to tell you anyway.



(Sometimes I can’t believe I didn’t have to take ‘special’ classes in high school.)


Step 6. Wait 5-? minutes; remove the container and TAH-DAH!

You my friend are now scraping by without a microwave. Congrats.

Next Tip for Half-Assed Living: Alternatives to washing your hair.

4 thoughts on “Tips for Half-Assed Living: Alternatives to the Microwave

  1. Marissa September 26, 2013 / 4:03 pm

    “it’ll sink like that big ass boat Kate Winslet posed naked on for Leonard Dicaprio that one time.” did you think of me when you wrote that? 😉


  2. amandalynnesmith January 7, 2014 / 1:28 pm

    Good lord woman. Its TUPPER ware. not tuple. The rest is funny though. Good writing. And also, its CURB-stomping. Not curve. Sheesh.


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