3 Things You Should Be More Scared Of

I don’t consider myself a particularly fearful person but everyone has to be scared of something. Some people find my fears silly or extreme but I’d like to remind those people that a phobia is by it’s very definition irrational. However, with me this is not the case. So without further ado here are my three totally founded and completely justified fears.

3. ZOMBIES

Marvel-Superhero-Zombies-0
Once this photo came up in my google search there was no way to not use it.

This fear likely stems from early in life viewings of the 1990 Tom Savini remake of ‘Night Of The Living Dead’. I think I was like 6. That shit scared to crap out of me. I know that these days Zombies feel like they’ve been done to death (pun intended) but my teen years were pretty much during the prime of the Zombie sub-genre and can you really blame me for being creeped out? They’re decaying corpses with only one reason to exist, to eat your flesh, preferably your delicious, delicious brains.

What makes them scarier than any other movie monster? I guess that they appear so human, that they were once human, and hypothetically one day that could be you. I guess the same goes for ghosts but they just don’t really get to me. Yes ‘The Conjuring’ was scary but I don’t believe in an afterlife and by extension ghosts so the fear doesn’t really last long beyond the viewing of the movie. Not to say that I believe in zombies. I know they aren’t real. Not yet anyway.

Steven-Tyler-Old
Soon.

With modern interpretations of the Zombie they don’t seem as outlandish as they used to be. Come on ’28 Days Later’? I know some people argue that it and it’s sequel aren’t zombie movies but give me a fucking break. They’re fucking zombies. Is the idea of a disease that causes mass cannibalistic insanity that outrageous? Plus they’re just fucking gross looking.

I also have no romantic delusions about myself. As much as I’d like to think I could survive a zombie apocalypse I know I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t have lasted through the first season of The Walking Dead (which I’ve recently started watching). I would end up a damned zombie and I’m ok with that. Well, not really OK with it per say just accepting of it.

I accept that.
I accept that.

While we’re on the subject, if a zombie virus outbreak ever happens or shit just goes all Romero on earth do me a favour and shoot me? When I become a zombie I don’t wanna walk around rotting. I’d like to be remembered as having relatively good hygiene. You know what, wait until after I’ve gotten to eat someone first. Like most well adjusted individuals I’ve wondered what human flesh would taste like. Probably a lot like pork… Plus I’ve always wanted to know what it’s like to belong even if I can only achieve that in a zombie horde. Who am I kidding, I’d be THAT zombie. You know the one that all the other zombie’s hope gets shot in the head at every feeding.

zombie-cp_crop
“What! They missed Elle again?” “What do we have to do? draw a bull’s eye on her forehead? “

2. PREGNANCY

0128-pregnancy-test_vg

Yes pregnancy. I am ridiculously paranoid about coming down with a case of fetus. Always have been. Before I’d even thought about having anything resembling sex if my period was late you could find me tossing myself down a flight of stairs. I am so anxious over the idea of getting knocked up it’s probably not worth actually having sex. Then again is sex ever really worth it? You know unless it’s with your own hand. AM I RIGHT LADIES?

Doesn’t matter how safe you are until you get your period you never fucking know if there’s a bun rising in your oven.

Unless of course you're actually baking.
Unless of course you’re baking. Then you should know.

I myself don’t feel confident and at ease about my non child bearing status until I’ve had at least 2-3 periods since I last encountered a penis.

Having another being growing in my body is terrifying to me but not as horrifying as having to be a mother afterward. I hate kids. Pregnancy is a disease that literally takes over your life. You’re stuck with that little shit factory till it’s 18-25 these days. I guess it’s less the actual pregnancy that scares me as it is what the pregnancy leads to.

I would have a fucking blast being pregnant. People would do shit for me, I can eat whatever weird shit I want whenever I want without being judged. There’s maternity leave, a completely valid reason to be a bitch for a solid 9months and the right to torture the bastard that knocked me up. Bitches grabbing my stomach however would have to watch the fuck out or they’d be loosing fingers.

All in all the time spent BEING pregnant would be fucking awesome but inevitably I would then have to perform childbirth which is all kinds of disgusting. I don’t care what the french horror film industry throws at me, it will never be as horrific or likely to create serial killers as a birthing video. For those of you who’ve never seen any birthing footage do you remember in ‘Alien’ when the baby Xenomorph bursts out of Kane’s chest? It’s exactly like that only with a vagina. At least that’s what I imagine it’s like. I’ve never been brave enough to watch anything be birthed.

Congratulations! It’s a boy!

All kinds of things can go wrong during a delivery. Sure, maternal mortality rates have gone way down in the last ninety years or so but women do still die trying to bring a pissing, shitting, crying, bundle of joy into this world. Their last moments are themselves being split in half at the crotch.

My mother had to have 3 separate C-sections to bring my siblings and I into this world. If that doesn’t make you eligible for sainthood I don’t know what does. My mother is either completely selfless or completely fucking insane. If it was me in her position I never would have allowed myself to be born.

Have you heard of a episiotomy? It’s a procedure sometimes done when they take a scalpel to your vagina and slit it open. Why? To prevent tearing. The fuck?  As if your snatch wasn’t undergoing enough abuse already from trying to squeeze a fucking person out of your body! If I didn’t need my hands to type this I would be clutching my box in imagined agony right now. Apparently episiotomies are big in a lot of parts of the world including Poland. My only guess is the Nazi’s introduced it when they invaded and now the Poles can’t unlearn it.

The very best case scenario for child birth is after a few hours of having a team of doctors gapping at your spotlighted vag you walk away with a shredded vaginal canal and a scale model of E.T. that’s all set to cry every night for the next 2 months while you resist the urge to throw it against the wall.

E.T.
E.T. phone child protective services.

1. OCTOPI

cute-baby-animals---new-species-of-octo-squee

I fucking HATE octopuses. I am absolutely petrified of them so much so that I can’t even look at a cuttlefish without feeling a chill run up my spine. They are fucking EVIL and my whole life I have only met one other person who sees it too.

These tentacled bastards are made of fucking terror. First of all have you SEEN an octopus? They’re all arms and suction cups. I mean look at that fucking thing!

...
FUCK SAKES!

Who the fuck could ever come up with something so fucking terrifying? If you ever needed proof that there is no God these demon molluscs are it. There’s a reason H.P Lovecraft used them for Cthulhu’s head ok, they fucking feed on the nightmares of the living.

...
Nightmares: A part of Cthulhu’s balanced breakfast!

Forget that some of them are poisonous, that’s the least frightening aspect of these monsters. They have no bones in their whole slimy bodies to speak of. The closest you get is a goddamned BEAK. That’s right a beak right above their mouths. This unique biology gives them the ability to fucking liquify through small holes like a fucking T-1000!

hot-toys-t-1000-25
I’ll take my chances with the Terminator.

On top of that they’ve found a way to formulate and weaponize ink, have THREE fucking hearts, are capable of autonomy (they can detach their mother-fucking arms which by the way still maintain a fucking nervous system on their own.)  and are master’s of disguise. They have Peeta level camouflage skills and many breeds have taken to mimicry, copying the movements of other creatures to avoid detection. They’re as close to The Thing as you’ll ever get in real life.

They’re also apparently crazy intelligent and practitioners of observational learning, which means they learn to do shit just by watching you. They have the ability to use tools, navigate mazes and supposedly hold grudges. That’s right. They are life long enemies. Luckily their life span is only 6months-5years.

I know what you’re thinking, “Don’t worry so much Elle. Octopi are sea living creatures, just keep to yourself on land and surely you’re likely to survive”. Oh how naive you are. I wish you were right I do, but the truth is no where is off limits to the octopus. These sly fuckers are able to crawl about on land and I don’t know what’s more terrifying, watching them swim with shoves of their tentacle covered arms (which by the way they use to TASTE) or them flopping around and dragging themselves across land like an undead jelly entity. In labs these modern day krakens have been known to break out of aquariums in search of souls and broken dreams to eat leaving puddles of fear in their wake from both their unnatural, squirming, seawater soaked bodies and the bladders of the traumatized scientists that have discovered their escapes. And after that last sentence I can never visit the Vancouver Aquarium again.

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3 thoughts on “3 Things You Should Be More Scared Of

  1. snapcracklewatch January 7, 2014 / 10:36 am

    All of a sudden zombies feel like a real threat. LOL. Damn you Walking Dead!

    Like

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