6 Superheroes to Boink

Seeing as my roommate and I have absolutely no social interaction beyond each other and whatever assholes we encounter at work we’ve covered a wide range of topics conversationally and needless to say which superheroes would be best in bed has come up more than once. Seeing as the internet is terribly scarce on the topic, at least in regards to what the ladies are looking for I figured I better right this atrocity. Seriously, google ‘sexiest superheroes’ for me right now.  Total Clam bake right?

Now before we dive into it, I would like to clarify that this is a list of Superheroes who’s powers would attribute to the most top notch, mind blowing sexual performances so physical attractiveness, former conquests, and dateability are out of the equation. This is also not a list of superheroes that I would most like to boink. That would be a very different list and would reveal far too much about my questionable taste in men than I would like to share.

I’m gonna be honest here, this task was a little harder than I initially thought especially when you’re looking for a little variation. Turns out most of the coolest superpowers don’t necessarily translate into a sexual advantage, for many it actually leaves them at a disadvantage as most of the coolest powers are weaponized and therefore more likely straight up kill you than bring you to climax, like say Superman or The Hulk.

Or ridiculously premature.
Or they could just finish long before you’ve even gotten started.

But Damn it I did my best! So lets get down to business. Here are the six superheroes who’s superpowers would be most beneficial in the sack and who you should totally bone if ever given the chance.

#6 – MIDNIGHTER

...
When did Batman start wearing a leather duster?

Enhanced Strength, healing and reflexes are AMAZING to have, but mostly he’s included for his powers of Battle Precognition. He is able to predict the outcome of battles before they occur, he runs millions of scenarios over in his head allowing him to get the jump on his opponent by being able to predict their every move. Do you see how this could translate in bed? He can go over nearly endless possibilities on how to get it on leaving no chance for failure to please and knowing exactly how you’ll react before he tries to spring something weird on you.

Plus he's gay, so he's probably be a fantastic listener.
Plus he’s gay, so he’s probably a fantastic listener.

#5 – SPIDERMAN

Dat Ass indeed.
Dat ass indeed.

Why you ask? two words: Ceiling Sex. You could literally do it anywhere on whatever surface you pleased. He also has spidey-senses which potentially could prove useful in the bed. At the most they let him know what to touch and when to touch it. At the least you’ll never get caught mid romp again. He’s Spiderman. He’s quick, he’s agile and he has a pretty healthy sense of humor. That and, you know, ceiling sex. If you’re not convinced upside down sex would be amazing I would like to direct you to exhibit A (Skip to 1:05).

Argument invalid
As if I needed to prepare an exhibit B.

I rest my case.

#4 – ENCHANTRESS

Her most miraculous power is the ability to keep her tits in her costume.
Her most impressive power is the ability to keep her tits from falling out.

What’s this? A broad? Yep, because I’m all about adding a little something for everyone (especially my roommate). Enchantress is a literal goddess. As an Asgardian she has all the typical god stuff, superhuman strength, agility, speed, stamina, durability and looks. She also has enough magical powers to do pretty much whatever the fuck she wants so the possibilities are endless. How did she achieve such power you ask? By seducing other wielders of magic and stealing their secrets so you know she must be good. If her kiss is enough to turn any man into her slave for the next week imagine how great the sex must be.

#3 – STARFOX

Not this guy
Not this guy.                               This Tool.

For those of you unfamiliar Starfox is one of the Eternals which gives him superhuman strength and durability and the ability to control cosmic energy which is all well and good but not why he’s one of the top superheroes to bone. Starfox’s main power is stimulating the pleasure centre of peoples brains. That’s right ladies this is a man who can bring on the ‘O‘ with only his mind. It seems worth noting that sex with Starfox might not always be a conscious decision on your part. His powers of persuasion have led him to court on allegations of sexual assault. Consider him ruphylin in it’s human form.

I give you rupholin personified.
Even The Avengers are hiring former sex offenders these days.

#2 – IRON FIST

...
Martial arts expert: has yellow belt.

I know with a name like Iron Fist it seems a little sketchy but hear me out. He does not in fact have a fist made of iron I promise. If  he did he wouldn’t be #2 because fucking ouch. What he does is he focuses his energy or ‘chi‘ to achieve superhuman physical and mental capabilities which he often uses to punch things really REALLY hard, but whose to say he couldn’t focus his chi to other parts of his anatomy?

That second stream of power? It's actually coming from his dick.
That second stream of power? It’s coming from his dick.

In addition to his Iron Fist Punch he also has powers of hypnotism, mind melding and empathy which means in addition to powering up his penis he can know what you’re thinking, know what you’re feeling, and use illusion to make your fantasies come true.

# 1 – MARTIAN MANHUNTER

fucking boss.
Normally a joke would go here, but on this guy, I’ve got nothing.

Yes, he is green but who really cares! If superheroes were apps J’onn J’onzz would be the whole Android Market. Yes, he too boasts superhuman strength, healing and endurance like half of the superhero population but he’s also got super speed, invisibility, phasing, heat vision, telescopic vision, fucking flying, telekinesis, and almost any other thing you can fucking think of including possessing incredible shapeshifting powers. He can warp, modify, stretch, and enlarge his body in anyway that he so wills.

And he's always stocked up on chocos.
And he’s always stocked up on chocos.

In addition to being a goddamned genius and having more functions than Inspector Gadget, the guy is the most powerful telepath in all of the DC universe. Not only can he read your mind but your subconscious too he would know things about your sexual desires even you didn’t this paired with the power of illusion would be a wet dream come true.

Honourable mentions: Mr. Fantastic, Multiple Man, and Aquaman.

It turns out holding your breath is good for something.
It turns out holding your breath is good for something.
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4 thoughts on “6 Superheroes to Boink

  1. rhlsaraf January 11, 2014 / 12:50 am

    Hi just got tot your blog. love this post,and the wet dream ending well it’s simply epic 😛

    Like

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