Christmas is finally behind us. We’re all off the hook for another 365 days and can all begin to recover from the blitzkrieg of covers of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” and “Winter Wonderland” we’ve all been forced to endure this past month.
My family managed to get through “the most wonderful time of the year” in relatively good spirits. I deem it successful on the grounds that no one cried this year. This is surprising considering that when I got to my family’s place on Christmas Eve everyone (except the 7 year old) was drinking by 4:30pm, reasonably impaired by 6:30pm and shit-faced by 9pm. After that the mood pretty much wavered between buzzed and wasted until 4am this morning. Not that this is terribly out of the ordinary for any of my visits home, but this time it was Christmas so I had to reserve judgement until I was out of earshot. You know, what Jesus would do.
Of course being the family light weight I did enjoy bits and pieces of the holiday in sobriety, though liquor does make playing ‘Monster High’ with my niece more tolerable.
The way I see it Christmas is like a rehearsal for New Years Eve when it comes to getting hammered so in preparation for International Liver Abuse Day I myself had a couple of paralyzers, a few shots of B52, more than a few glasses mateus, and I probably polished off two bottles of that Wild Vines blackberry merlot “wine” myself. Not that that’s impressive or anything. That shit tastes like juice.
From what I can remember of the last three days some of the highlights include: my eating my weight in crackers and olives, someones proclaimation of “I’m tired of being drunk”, and my putting aside my grievances with Santa to help him mend his broken sleigh and relationship with Mrs. Claus to save Christmas. But I know you guys don’t want to hear about any of that boring stuff, you wanna know what I got for Christmas. Well, sit right there and read on and I’ll tell you.
There were a couple duds like… a fucking toothbrush. Worst part of being an adult? Half your gifts become ‘practical’ shit. Who decides what’s practical anyway? I think a ‘Harry Potter’ replica wand and an ‘Alien’ Facehugger Plush are HIGHLY practical. What if I need to fight a dark wizard? What if my face gets cold while I’m trying to strike fear into the hearts of the masses? That kind of stuff happens more often than you’d think and if you aren’t prepared you’re fucked.
Yeah mom, it is a nice tooth brush. And oral hygiene is important. For that I’m grateful. BUT if you expected me to be excited on christmas morning to find a toothbrush under the tree then you’re gonna be headed to a nursing home a lot sooner than we all anticipated. Love you.
I DID get some good stuff too though, like a popcorn maker, volume 3 of Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season 8, a Unicorn toque, and an electric manicure device for the nails I don’t have. No thanks to that dead beat Santa Claus I might add, which is complete bull shit because he already has to stop by my parents house so it’s not like bringing me a damn pair teddy bear or a candy cane is forcing him to make an extra stop or anything.
Apparently I’m “too old” to have Old St. Nick bring me presents which raises the thought provoking question: At what age does Santa just stop giving a snow covered shit about you?
I digress. After about three years of asking I finally got a Star Wars, Luke Skywalker, Special FX Lightsaber. It whooshes and everything bringing me one step closer to learning to harness the powers of The Force.
Perhaps even more important than my becoming a Jedi Knight I am now the proud owner of my very own microwave. Those of you who read my previous article on the subject know how desperately I dreamed to possess this blessed appliance. And by ‘blessed’ I mean brought to us by the power of science.
All of my gifts seemed to go over well from what little I could decipher from my family and friends facial expressions, you know once they got through their shield of duct tape and found their presents in the haystacks of tinsel under the layers of macaroni and lentils. Dick wrapping is the only wrapping I know how to do.
Other than that my holiday was sprinkles with some angry card games, viewings of ‘Gremlins’ and ‘Fresh Prince’, and a lot of untwisting twist-ties from around dolls ankles. Pretty average if I do say so myself. Boring really.
Anybody got any funny accounts of holiday hijinks? Love to hear about them in the comments below.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have leftover stuffing to heat up IN MY BRAND NEW MICROWAVE. Which for the record is capable of both keeping my face warm and helping to defeat dark wizards. Fuck-to-the-yes.