If there’s anything more baffling about the world we live in than navigating interpersonal relationships with our fellow humans I have no clue what that is. Maybe why anyone would ever pay good money to sit through a Michael Bay movie. Other than that I’ve got nothing.
No doubt the internet is filled with numerous websites dedicated to helping people to both form functioning romantic associations and to cope with the aftermath of wasting two and a half hours of your life watching Bay blow things up for no other reason than “Look what computers can do!”.
Well I’ve come to the conclusion that a good way to get more traffic on my humble blog is to jump on the bandwagon of praying on the insecurities of the desperate and socially awkward AKA: My people. And yes, I know this makes me the worse kind of person but it’s ok; my people will understand. They’d do the same if given the opportunity.
Furthermore I think I can bring some valuable insight to the topic. As someone who is not now nor ever has been in any kind of romantic relationship I am therefore unbiased and able to give complete objective advice for wooing the opposite/same sex. My lack of hands on experience also makes me cold and unsympathetic to the plights of those who crave meaningful intimacy and allows me to tell the truth.
I have no idea what problems people ‘seeking other people’ face, as I never seek people for any other reason than to talk about how I received the first two seasons of ‘American Horror Story’ for my birthday and even though I’m only 4 episodes in I’ve spent every waking hour for the past two days thinking about how amazingly fucking crazy it is. So, I will be using the template of every ‘How to Get a Boyfriend/Girlfriend’ article you’ve ever “not” looked at as a jumping point.
Step One: Show You Exist
According to any one of wikihow’s endless list of pages on attracting a mate the first thing you need to do is attract a potential mate’s attention.
I admit I’m a little at a loss already seeing as I generally try to avoid attracting attention in most aspects of life, but in my experience what’s always gotten me the most wayward glances is by public humiliation.
Depending on how much self respect you’re hanging on to (which probably isn’t much as you’re reading an internet article for dating advice) you’ll probably want to find a form of self embarrassment that’s right for you.
It could be as simple as laughing a little too loudly to yourself in a restaurant or while waiting for the bus. Feel free to throw in an audible snort for good measure. If that doesn’t work be sure to exclaim personal information loudly enough for passers by to hear while in conversation with a friend. Nothing gets attention like accidentally announcing to the sky train car that what you were laughing and snorting about a minute ago was actually so funny that it made you break wind.
The more bold among you may decide you want to do something to really set you apart from the crowd. For you there’s always knocking over whole product displays in stores, voicing your thoughts on peoples personal conversations without realizing you spoke out loud, walking straight into walls, answer questions with Game Of Thrones references no one gets, and shouting “Hey Bitch/Jerkwad/Butt Plug” at a total stranger you’ve mistaken for your friend becoming progressively more colourful and belligerent when they don’t acknowledge you.
Once you’ve caught the eye of that special someone it’s time to for Step Two…
Step two: Flirting
Flirting is important in that it can separate people between potential friends and potential sexy friends. Now there are a few secrets to effective flirting which I’ve learned first hand by watching characters prepare to bone on HBO.
1. Eye contact. Do not break it. I mean under any circumstances. You lock your pupils on the person your talking to’s face like it’s a damn cougar looking for an opening to slit your throat with it’s claws and feed your entrails to it’s young. Blinking is discouraged. The longer you can go without blinking the more interested you appear in what you potential partner is saying.
2. Turn everything you say into a double entendre. So that they know you’re a sensual being with sensual thoughts in a constant state on sensualism. I’m telling you the best way to get people to think about wanting to have sex with you is by saying things like “beautiful weather”, “price of gas”, and “Syrian Civil War ” in your bedroom voice.
3. Copy their body language. Do you remember in your high school drama class when you had to do that “mirroring” exercise? Essentially do that. It’s been proven that we’re more attracted to and comfortable with people who remind us of ourselves. By copying the person you’re trying to get a date with’s every microscopic move you’re showing how much you’re willing to pretend to have in common with them. If they aren’t wondering to themselves if you’re openly mocking them you aren’t doing it right.
4. Make sure to tease them about what they’re most passionate about. By making jokes about their principals and beliefs you’re showing acceptance of those principals and beliefs. You’re in a place where we have grown enough to see humor in the situation as well as the problems. Plus, everyone loves a person with a good sense of humor in spite of everything else, even good taste.
Step Three: Getting the First Date
Lets say for whatever reason steps one and two didn’t lead to that person of reasonable sexual appeal asking you to permanently camp out on their couch where you two will live on a diet of frozen waffles, orgasms, and re-runs of ‘Community’.
First of all, I’d advise you that that is a big red flag. If someone doesn’t want to date you after mention of farts, persistent eye contact and displaying a deep understanding of their values with witty quips than this person is someone who expects far too much. You are interested in a high maintenance individual and to that I say what I always say in the face of commitment. RUN!
Maybe you’re naive. Maybe you truly (and wrongly) believe that the apple of your eye is just misunderstood. You can change them if only you could get them to go on that life changing first date with you! For you I have two words. “Say Anything”.
You’re gonna have to go full blown John Cusack on this bitch. I know, it seems like more than anyone could handle without their ovaries/manvaries exploding but there is no other way. For a full run down of what that entails here’s the trailer which luckily for you pretty much shows you everything that happens in the movie.
Just look at the charming bastard. Essentially what I’m trying to say here is Step Three is be like John Cusack.
Step Four: The First Date
Now that you’ve finally tricked someone into thinking you’re cool enough to date here’s how to turn that date into a full blown love affair.
1. Disguise yourself as physically attractive. Unfortunately photoshop doesn’t work in person so you’ll have to utilize a few other tools.
– Make-up and lots of it. Don’t be afraid to mix in a little acrylic paint with your foundation. No guy wants to know what a woman’s skin really looks like. Guys are used to airbrushed porn stars anything less is sure to scare them off.
– Push up bra. There’s no such thing as breasts too big and even my fellow Tiny Titty Tina’s can fake like they have something besides a ribcage under their nipple with a good bra. The bigger your boobs appear to be the more he’ll be willing to spend on dinner.
-Uncomfortable underwear. Itchy wedgies scream sex appeal. There’s nothing that gets a man hot under the collar quite like a woman digging lace out of her ass crack. Trust me.
-Shaving. It’s important. I don’t just mean your face either, that’s a given, I’m talking whole body manscaping. We aren’t apes anymore and the head is now the only acceptable place for hair on the human body. Women evolved from growing body hair at all decades ago. Remember up keep is key and lasers are your friends.
-Hair gel. Lots of hair gel. You’ve got to keep what hair is left like a sculpted masterpiece: hard and unmoving. Nothing’s more satisfying to a woman than running her hand through a main of crunching plastic.
-Stuffing. No girl is gonna wanna get your pants off if she can’t even make out a sizeable bulge in your jeans. Crotch stuffing is perfectly normal and no woman has ever been disappointed by discovering that that is in fact a banana in your pants and you aren’t just happy to see her.
2. Be upfront. They say the key to any good relationship is honesty and I say, “Sure, I’ve got nothing else to go on anyway”. Be sure to tell your date all your deepest darkest secrets upfront to avoid surprises in the future. Tell them everything whether it’s that you “did some experimenting in collage”, “are a famous ice dancer in korea” or “you and your friends hit a man with your car last summer and disposed of the body but it turns out he wasn’t really dead and now you’re all being picked off one by one by his bloody hooked vengeance”.
They’ll find your honesty refreshing and when you both know every terrible thing the other person has ever done you’ll be in a better place to decide whether or not you want to waste more of your time with that person. That or you’ll have no choice but to stay together forever due to a possible blackmail situation in the future.
3. Be Yourself. Everyone else always says it so I figured I’d better if I wanted any credibility at all as a “love expert” so there you go. Be yourself. Bite you’re nails, chew with your mouth open, grind your teeth, critique everyone around you, make yo’ mama jokes at every turn, listen to Coldplay, and kick puppies. It’s the little things like that make up who you really are.
KIDDING! For the love of Professor Xavier whatever you do don’t be yourself. If being yourself is what’s supposed to result in you swimming in free dinners, oral sex and meaningful connections then you wouldn’t be surfing the internet looking for advice on how to not be alone on Friday nights. Do you want to be loved? I mean REALLY want to be loved? Than be Jennifer Lawrence.