Horrible Valentines Cards For Terrible People

Just because I’m going to be celebrating Valentines day this month with my fuzzy pyjamas, 750ml of ice-cream, viewings of ‘My Bloody Valentine’ (1981) and ‘Chicago’ because I’m gleefully forever alone doesn’t mean I’m not aware that there are people out there who actually choose to be pinned down and smothered by romance. All that enriching their lives by sharing it with someone they love stuff. Fucking gag.

I might not understand why anyone would want to be tied down to a big anvil of commitment but I do understand that on the 14th of February you’re obligated to tell that anvil how much you care by giving them festive folded paper with meaningful words written by strangers to express feelings you don’t necessarily feel. Also over priced french food and diamonds in exchange for bi-yearly blowjobs. Yeah. That’s what Valentines Day is all about.

I also know that some of you are looking for a card that says exactly what you can’t think to say. That one card that lays all of your emotions and admiration for the person who’s currently touching your genitals on the table. Maybe your looking for Flowery words of love and passion. Maybe you’re just looking for shock value. Or maybe you’re looking for some terrible things to send your friends and the kids at school. Don’t worry buddy, I got you covered. I made a few custom Valentines cards for my fellow Vulgar Valentines.

For the long term.

And for the short term.

For the religious.

For her.

And for him.

For the truly invested.

For the honest.

For those who follow current events.

For the diseased.

And for the metaphorically diseased.

For everyone.

For the way it is.