3 Species Who Should Replace Us At The Top of the Food Chain

Human fucking beings. Let me tell you something about human beings, they’re fucking terrible. Seriously, what good have we really done for the planet? Sure we have all this kick ass technology, some sweet architecture, wicked medical advancements, and a growing tolerance and equality for our fellow man but at the end of the day the only one in all the world that’s benefiting from all that is us. Fuck the rest of the world, I need a built in toaster in the next generation of iphone!

Even with all the good we have done we’ve done a fuck ton more worse with pollution, wars, nuclear weapons, climate change, climate change denial, over population, genocide, mass slaughter of animals, and Paul W. S. Anderson.

Here are 3 animals that would make a more universally benevolent ruling species than humans.

3. Crows

That’s right. Crows. They’re pretty much the Einstein of birds. We’re talking freakishly smart here people. Scientists that have studied crows often claim they’re as smart as any primate. We’re talking extensive use of tools, advanced linguistics including different dialects, and what some speculate may be an episodic memory.

Forget Einstien, more like the Dr. Reid of birds.
Forget Einstein, more like the Dr. Reid of birds.

They’re also masters of adapting to environments which is what allows populations to function and grow in urban areas. Many crows have been spotted using cars to help crack open nuts. They leave the nut in the street and wait for a vehicle to come by and break it open. This also shows great patience on part of the crow. Patience that has to be just about run out for human kind.


Now that we’ve established crows are geniuses and therefore worthy of our place atop the food chain how about we consider their social constructs. Like most awe inducing animals crows are co-operative breeder, meaning they mate for life. Awe. They even partake in crow funerals when a member of their murder dies. Double Awe. Highly social and live in large family flocks or murders which cooperate with other murders come winter to form what I am going to call a mass murder.

Crows have shown a far better ability to adapt and co-operate with each other than we have. They’re opportunistic nature paired with they’re strong sense of loyalty would make them opened to compromise for the common good and morally sound businessmen, er, business birds?

Something like this.
I want those crowgress reports in my nest by 4pm.

How on this earth would crows come to rule? What you don’t realize is it’s already begun. Crows are fucking everywhere man. If you looked out your window right now you’d probably see one hopping around in your yard. They’re planners man. This is all part of their slow burning plan to take over. First they infiltrate our cities and earn our trust then boom! We’re talking some Hitchcock shit up in this bitch.

Nah, that’s wishful thinking. Considering how smart/sly they’re known to be they’d probably just con us out of our hold on the planet. The Trickster isn’t a raven in native mythology for no reason bro. Their take over would definitely be political. They’d learn to communicate with us and fight for civil rights considering how many of them live among us and once we voted it in they’d be right in parliament.

Come at me crow!
Come at me crow!

They’d run on a platform of cleaning up our streets, environmental causes, and promises to stop shitting on our windshields and we’d fall for it hook, line and sinker because there’s no way these birds can be any worse in office than the assholes we’ve already put there. It would take time for sure but it’ll happen. Then we’ll just kind of get pushed out.


2. Dolphins

Ah Dolphins, often considered to be both one of the most intelligent animals on the planet and the most loveable. I mean just look at it!

Is it a fish? Is it a whale? I don't know but damn it I want to frolic with it!
Is it a fish? Is it a whale? I don’t know but damn it I want to frolic with it!

If you wouldn’t play with that you’re a monster. Honestly, lets just take a second to appreciate that something that isn’t hideous and/or terrifying came from the ocean. Based on that alone Dolphins are already a head of the competition.

Dolphins are adept problem solvers with sophisticated hunting techniques and the ability to use tools, food forging, entertainment, and occasionally sex…

The fuck Japan?
The FUCK Japan?

In addition to being universally unhateable dolphins are probably the least discriminatory species in existence. They will play with, bond with, and have sex with almost anything whether they be bottlenose or rough tooth, dolphin or whale, male or female. As you can probably guess dolphins’ easy going “whatever floats your blubber” attitude towards other dolphin races and species is also extended to their mating.

Being of the sexually liberal variety the gay rights movement would finally be actualized under the domain of the dolphin and sexual oppression would be a thing of the past. We would also see a drastic decrease in societies need for slut shaming as our future aquatic overlords are a bunch of orgy having hussies. Not so fun fact: Amazon River Dolphins are the only species we know of that has nasal intercourse. They have no right to judge and they know this.

Giving duel meaning to the term "blow it out your blowhole".
Giving duel meaning to the term “blow it out your blowhole”.

Dolphins would be able to achieve the kind of tolerance and acceptance we’ve only strived for and by extension solve the climate change crisis when the world no longer needs to be sustained by oil and fossil fuels because it would be powered by the fuzzy warm glow of friendship and mutual respect while all species joined paws, flippers, and hooves to sing bards of the day the cetacean took control and saved the world from asshattery.

If you’re wondering how that song would go I’m not entirely sure because it sure as hell would be told in a sequence for high pitched squeaks, whistles, and clicks, but I can tell you the gist of what they’re saying.

Do you remember that Tree House of Horror episode of the Simpsons from  season 12? You know, back when it was still funny and people still watched. The one with the ‘Night of the Dolphin’? I think it will go down pretty much like that.

Yep. Pretty much like that.
Yep, just like that.

The dolphins get tired of our shit with all our killing them, and making them jump through hoops and crap and come to the conclusion that they could do such a better job so they rise up against us to reclaim the earth they never should have left.

We’d be at war for a few years with us being at a disadvantage as they’re spent years learning about us, why else would they so willingly live in captivity but to gain information for their inevitable revolution. We’d also have to come to terms with the fact that we’ve military trained them and apparently armed them with guns, allowing them to decipher and replicate our technology. Unfortunately we’d never really get anywhere as all the human countries would be too busy arguing amongst themselves to get anywhere unlike our marine foes who have the ability to get along with anything and make them fall in love.

Even while that tried to murder us we'd still love them.
Even while they try to murder us we’d still love them.

Our world leaders would be too busy trying to bomb each other into agreeing with one another on how to deal with the dolphins we’d never notice them collecting all those underwater mines we trained them to detect to form a series of master bombs of their own to be set under every major city which they accessed via sewer system, effectively wiping out most of the human race.

The survivors would be to drive us into the sea where we all pretty much die because we wont have the time to evolve like they did and as stated before almost everything that lives in the water is hideous, terrifying and would love to eat us. Plus you just now all those aquatic animals are on the Dolphins side considering all the shit we’re dumped in the oceans.

The world would start a new, lead into a brighter tomorrow by their dorsal finned brethren.

I wonder how much Michael Bay would pay me for that script...
I wonder how much Michael Bay would pay me for that screenplay…

1. Lions

Why lions you ask? Because fucking Lion King, that’s why. Do you remember the intro? Circle of life and all that shit. It’s beautiful. Can you imagine a world where creatures all live together in harmony all with their own place lead by the voice of James Earl Jones?

We'd achieve interspecies peace within hours of electing Supreme Ruler Mufsa.
We’d achieve interspecies peace within hours of electing Supreme Ruler Mufsa.

Lets take a minute to consider how the lion community functions. A pride consists of 1 to 4 males amongst anywhere between 6-24 females along however many cubs they’re able to produce with the males cubs being booted out around adolescents, presumably around the time they start “powning n00bs” and misinterpreting South Park, because really who wants to deal with the teenage boys of any species?

You little shits.
Oh hell no! What did I tell you about playing with zebras?

Also, screaming cubs ruining your time at the watering hole? Not a chance. Lionesses will isolate their newborns in dens for the first two months or so before allowing them to become part of the pride presumably once they’ve learned how to behave in lion society which is something human beings should seriously look into imitating.

Grow up or be eaten.
Grow up or be eaten.

Further to the point, the high female to male ratio coupled with the dependancy upon the lionesses for food and cub rearing make it clear that despite the male’s place a supposed “head of the pride” it’s really the lioness who run the show. It’s been long speculated that a world run by women would be a more peaceful world and in that vein a world in the hands of lions would have this benefit.

It’s a win win situation really, the females take control while the male is still allowed the visage of being in charge. Lioness is given the reins to establish peace treaties with other prides, handle global disasters, and mediate between species while the lions ego and balls can remain relatively intact.

What did I tell you about having ideas? Just fucking don't.
What did I tell you about having ideas? Fucking DON’T. Now go back to licking your balls while I establish a trade treaty with the tigers.

At this point you’re thinking to yourself “Wow! This feline utopia sounds like a tremendous idea! But How would King of the Jungle ever become King of the Globe? Where does man fit in this glorious maned future?”

Those are two very good questions hypothetical reader allow me to address them to the best of my imagination and limited knowledge of wild cats. The way I see it it’s unlikely we’ll be over thrown as jungle cat or not lions are indeed cats and there’s nothing cats love more than doing fuck all while lying around in beams of sunlight. According to wikipedia lions are no exception and are “inactive for about 20 hours per day”. No, they would be given the reigns  by humanity once he realize what a superior race the mighty lion is. The fact that they spend 20 hours a day lounging and napping is enough for them to be regarded as lazy heroes living the lives we all so desperately aspire to.

Living the dream.
Living the dream.

Honestly, lions may be my new favourite animal for their lifestyle alone. They just sit around not giving a fuck, slaughtering things when the mood suits them, every once in a while they have a week long bone-fest where they boink 20-40 times a day and all of this just makes other species respect and fear them.

Once we’ve come to our senses and relinquished hold of the planet to our ferocious friends I’d imagine we’d just kind of swap places with little notice from them as I’m sure, much like your pet cat at home, they’re convinced they’ve been running shit all along anyway. We’d be free to live out our slothful fantasies and just fade into the background while they observe us on safari and making the occasional snack of us in place of paying taxes.

Shit, it's the IRS.
85% of Republicans prefer the new system.

Overall I think we’d make out pretty well. It’s not like they’d poach us as trophies or anything like we’ve done to them. We’d pretty much just be left alone to eat, sleep defecate, and watch sitcom re-runs at our leisure because when you get down to it cats really just don’t give much of a fuck about us.

cats dont give a damn fuck tactless lolcat

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