Last night I got home from a late shift at work. Unable to sleep I spent some time scrolling my facebook newsfeed. While doing so I came across this misguided article from Cosmo’s website.
I’ll wait while you skim.
The problem isn’t that it’s not very funny. The problem isn’t that 2 of the conversations are pretty much the same thing. The problem is only partially that it’s terribly condescending. Here’s the real problem as articulated by my friend who shared it, “never had any of these conversations”.
*Sidebar: Guys, I know you probably feel a little excluded right now, but hang in there. Take this as an opportunity to learn some surprising and mildly gross things about the opposite sex.*
Come on Cosmo, you’re a ‘woman’s magazine’ that doesn’t know what stupid shit women talk about? Get your shit together. As a woman I’m insulted that you think a “funny” article about dieting, spending money I don’t have on clothes I don’t need, and Grey’s Anatomy is something we could all relate to. It’s not that I can’t take a joke at the expense of my gender, because boy can I!
If your gonna try to poke fun at your readership at least get it right. I get that you’re a bullshit magazine and once you’ve read one issue of Cosmopolitan you’ve read them all but at least pretend you’re still putting some thought and effort in. The only conversation I’ve ever had is number 11. “I’m so tired” and that’s because that’s a conversation everyone has had with everyone else.
In effort to correct the misinformation spread by this article I give you:
13 REAL Ridiculous Conversations All Female Friends Have Had.
1. The, “Penis. What’s the deal with penis?” Conversation.
I know there’s still a lot of belief out there that women don’t obsess about sex as much as men but I’m telling you right now, that’s bullshit as the rest of this list will prove. I’d wager any woman has spent as much time contemplating dick as any man has contemplating boobs.
What do we talk about when we talk about dick? How weird they look for one. Seriously they look more like something that should be growing out of a coral reef than attached to a human body.
There’s also penises we’ve been with, penises we want to be with, and penises we’ve seen on the internet. What makes a good penis? What makes a bad penis? What damage a penis of massive proportions is capable of? What we would do if we had a penis for one day? And that’s all without any thought to the people attached to penises. All in all there’s just a lot of talk about penis.
2. The, “I wonder how much ice cream can I eat in one sitting before I’m ashamed of myself” Discussion.
It doesn’t necessarily have to be ice cream. Sometimes it’s chocolate, sometimes it’s pizza, and sometimes it’s rolls of cookie dough. Either way the answer is always the same: More than enough to justify why we’re sitting around alone gorging ourselves on junk food instead of being out on dates.
3. The “You need to get laid” Insistence.
One of you has probably been making far more sexual innuendo than usual and been blatantly checking out any vaguely attractive human specimen within a 10 meter radius. You or your friend is obviously sexually frustrated. The comment is usually followed by an initial denial followed by hesitation and eventually admittance.
4. The “I masturbate” Confession.
Unlike men, until they’re, I don’t know, 17 most girls go through life thinking that they’re the only non-pornstar female who masturbates and that they’ll be shunned by their friends for admitting they do it. Eventually it comes out your friends have spent their free time polishing their pearl this whole time and a whole new world of conversation and trust opens up. Soon enough fapping or schlicking jokes become the norm.
5. The, “I’ll shower in the morning.,, No I wont” Argument.
This usually takes place after either a long day of working or doing fuck all. We know we’ve been neglecting basic rules of hygiene but we don’t want to break ourselves out of our lazy stupor long enough to actually disrobe and wash ourselves.
You try to reason with your friend that you’ll do it in the moring before work or school or whatever the fuck you have to do. She gives you the same judging look you gave her earlier this week when she said the same thing. Like fuck you’ll shower in the morning. And so she shames you out of your slothfull ambitions and you get your ass in the shower.
6. The “If you had a dick, I’d date the shit out of you” Confirmation.
You both acknowledge how perfect your personality dynamic is and how attractive you find the other persons mind, but you know that it would never work out because in the long run, you want a penis with a man attached. They would honestly be your perfect boyfriend. If your friend were to wake up one morning as a man, you’d romance them so hard.
7. The, “Tampons Vs Pads” Debate.
This one is pretty self explanatory. Weighing the pros and cons of either wearing a half diaper or inserting a cotton cork in your vag. Also Who the FUCK uses a Diva/Soft Cup?
8. The, “Who would kick who’s ass in a fight?” Dispute.
You’re both sure you’d win respectively and take to asking other friends what they think. You both trash talk in circles for hours but an actual cat fight to settle the issue almost never actually happens.
9. The, “I’m not into chicks, but I’d bang her” Revelation.
We’re talking girl crushes here folks. You both admit to the one person opposite your sexual preference you’d totally be DTF out of sheer fangirl adoration usually Jennifer Lawrence or Kristin Belle. On the flip side for our girl loving girls I guess it’d be who? Tom Hiddleston probably.
10. The, “I seriously haven’t shaved in like two weeks” Disclosure.
There are times in every woman’s life where she feels no need to shave her body hair, this could be during an extended period of being single, during long distance relationships, she’s preparing for waxing, it’s winter, or just for the hell of seeing how long that shit can get.
The point is she really just isn’t compelled to shave because no one is seeing her naked anyway. At a certain point this is information we feel needs to be shared within our circle of close friends. How else will you compare the length?
11. The “I love her, but…” Complaints.
It’s no secret that if there’s one thing that men can admit women do better than them, it’s talk shit about our friends behind each other’s backs.
We’ve all done it. You really do love this person to death but there’s a few little things about them that make you want to bludgeon them to death instead. If the person your talking shit about is someone who’s friendship you genuinely enjoy you probably phrase the smack talk like so…
” I love Janie and all but, she is one nasty ass bitch. I mean, she’s my friend and she’s a great person, it’s just whenever I sit next to her I get a waft of her vagina stank and I swear to fuck I actually tear up.”
Either that or you know that the mutual friend you’re confiding in’s flaw is that she’s a back stabbing hoe-bag who can’t keep her mouth shut so you’d better cover your ass by throwing in a few affectionate terms to balance out your first friends anger.
12. The “It’s so fucked up how much more we get charged for shit because we’re women” Rant.
If you haven’t had this conversation it’s about time you opened up you’re $30 mascara covered eyes and had it. Seriously, it’s bullshit that a man can go get his hair cut for $5 at a barber shop but it costs me at least $40 just to get a trim.
It’s bad enough that we’ve been suckered/guilted into spending money on all that make-up, skin care products, fancy hair lotions, and anti-aging crap we don’t need, but when I have to pay twice as much for a pair of jeans that will last half as long that’s just insulting. The worse part is as much as we complain about how much we’re over charged we’ll still pay it because what else are we going to do? Cut our own hair?
13. The “which Avenger was your favourite?” Questioning.
These days comic books and they’re corresponding blockbusters aren’t just for the boys. With genre material becoming steadily more mainstream and therefore more accessible the ladies are getting in on the action.
Maybe lots of girls aren’t invested enough yet to be considered actual fans, but I guarantee you they’ve all see The Avengers thanks to the films overwhelming buffet of man-candy.
Maybe the question should’ve been “Which Avenger would you most like to bang?”.
Some girls favour Ironman, some girls go for green, most girls want a piece of Chirs Hems- I mean Thor. All are wrong though. The answer is Captain America. Contrary to popular belief this question is not objective.