7 TV Shows I Love But Wouldn’t Want To Live In

I watch a lot of TV. Well, not a lot of TV. Ok yeah, lots of TV. I don’t think anyone could blame me for that. Have you seen TV lately? There’s some good shit happening on the boob tube. Sure, you’ve got The Bachelor, Real Housewives, and whatever they’re showing on TLC but there’s also real quality programming like Breaking Bad, Son’s of Anarchy, and whatever is playing on HBO.

I’m a sucker for good story telling so at any given time I’m following multiple series. Right now for instance I’m steamrolling my way through Orange is the New Black, waiting to get my hands on American Horror Story: Coven, and Game of Thrones is back on Sunday.

I'm currently taking bets for the character death pool.
I’m currently taking bets for the character death pool.

The thing about good shows is they breed devoted and obsessive fans. Fans who are invested in the characters and their worlds and would jump at the chance to be a part of it. Not me. I am a devoted and obsessive fan but I don’t think I’d ever want to be a character on any of the shows I watch. That shit is too crazy and I’m too likely to wind up dead.

I’m not delusional like most people. I wouldn’t last more than a week on most of my favourite shows. I’m a bookish introvert with a knack for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. I can’t read people for shit and I’m not exactly what you’d call TV pretty. I have no chance in TV world and you probably don’t either. Lets see how I’d fair on some of my favourite shows.

Spoiler Alert!
Spoiler Alert!

Sons of Anarchy

Not a chance in fuck of making it out alive. If I had to partake in any kind of illegal activity, especially one that featured, gun running, drugs, gang members, and regular murder I would shit my pants every minute of ever day.

I’m not an anxious person but that would be way to much for me to deal with. I’d rat. If the San Joaquin Sheriff’s Department brought me in for questioning I’d sing like a canary with severe tourettes. I’m not made for jail life. I’d rat and then I’d be dead. A dead rat.

A god damn snitch!

As an Old Lady I’d be terrible. I’m not understanding enough to put up with half the shit these assholes pull. Jail stints, lies, cheating. No fucking way. I do not have the patience or the self esteem issues to let a guy drag me into that kind of life. Plus, as I’ve already discussed as an Old Lady I’d probably end up dead anyway. Either way I’m dead.

http://wp.me/p3Pe80-8m (SOA Article)

Game of Thrones

I’d like to think that this is one show I might actually have a shot at surviving. I think I could be a schemer. I’m good at thinking ahead and over analyzing things. Plus I’m cautious, good with my words and not ambitious enough for any body to feel seriously threatened by me. I could totally carve out a nice place for myself in Westeroes, you know If I had a penis anyway.

So close.

Not to bring gender into this but I would never win the Iron Throne and it’s totally because I’m a woman. Have you seen how women get treated in this universe? No one has it easy but shit, if you’re a woman you really have no chance at making a decent life for yourself. If you’re a woman you’re best shot is to either be married into a position of power that really doesn’t count for shit or you can become a whore.

Who didn't grow up wanting to be a painted whore?
Who didn’t grow up with dreams of being a painted whore?

You can plot and throw you’re position around all you want but at the end of they day you’re really not seen as anything more than a piece of meat to the people around you. And at some point along the way you’ll probably get your ass raped.

It’s not that the show doesn’t have strong female characters because it does and some of them do really well for themselves but there are enough obstacles in this world without needing to come over the affliction of being born with a vagina. When everything’s said and done the best I could hope for is that my appointed husband is in my age group and doesn’t get off on slapping me around.

Boardwalk Empire

We’re back to the gangster thing. For reasons specified already  I could not be gangster in any sense of the word. I’m not nearly as tough as I like to pretend to be. I do think I have a good mind for business but none of that would matter anyway. It’s the 1920’s. I’m a woman and my opinion doesn’t matter.

You have a vagina. Your argument is invalid.
You have a vagina. Your argument is invalid.

I probably wouldn’t die but that’s because I wouldn’t be able to really do anything except struggle to light my house so I can see the person sitting across from me. Seriously, that show needs to invest in some lamps. Lucky for me this is an HBO series so I can always become a prostitute.

Didn't I tell you?
Didn’t I tell you?

Criminal Minds

I used to live for re-runs of Criminal Minds but with my luck I’d probably end up being the victim of some psycho with crippling mommy issues who wants to scalp me and force me to knit sweaters for him from my own hair or some shit, wait was that an episode? No matter. As much of a kinship I feel with Penelope Garcia, the show already has one of her and she’s fuck tons more useful than I am.

She could do nothing but blow bubbles all day and still be more useful.

The Walking Dead

I’m not gonna lie, I’m pretty much done with The Walking Dead. I watched the first too episodes back from the mid season four break and couldn’t make myself get back into it but I might as well include it.

That's pretty much whatI'd look like if I waited around for the next plot point.
That’s pretty much what I’d look like if by the time they got to the next plot point.

For this particular universe I think I’m actually pretty well equipped. I’ve done years of research watching zombie movies. I know what I need to do to survive the zombie apocalypse. I might not be much of a badass now but I think I could step up in this situation to kick some serious undead ass. That being said I’d still end up dead, probably at the hands of another living person.

I’m not great at making friends and I don’t have any survival skills that are invaluable. I think I could defend myself against a rotting corpse but probably not so much a physically fit breathing human being especially when they’re as rash and psychotic as have the characters on this show.

True Blood

Yeah, I watch a lot of HBO. I’d be dead. I don’t know how I’d die because there’s too much crazy shit going on at any given time but I would die and it would be bloody. The best I can hope for is going out in such an amazing what-the-fuck moment that people will be talking about it for seasons after.

New Girl

That’s right. I watch New Girl what of it? It’s actually pretty funny. Some of the shit that comes out of these people’s mouths is fucking ridiculous and I can’t not laugh. Plus I have an endearing love for Max Greenfield from his days as Deputy Leo on Veronica Mars. That being said as much as I enjoy watching their antics if I had to live in a loft with this group of overdramatic idiots I’d probably take my own life. There’s only so much a person can take before they snap.

I can’t even begin to explain what is happening in this gif.
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6 thoughts on “7 TV Shows I Love But Wouldn’t Want To Live In

  1. jozhloser April 4, 2014 / 4:14 am

    I like this idea… and can continue on the thought with some other shows you should be watching, if you aren’t already:

    Vikings – I think you might have a good shot making it in a heathen Viking clan, unlike Sons of Anarchy (the show most similar) badass chicks can play prominent roles in the gang/army, and you really don’t have to bang your way to the top or anything, just some good scheming and the right amount of basic sword and shield training and you might not only survive but thrive as a warrior!

    Hannibal – You probably wouldn’t make it through this one but when you do go it will be in another extremely graphic and elaborate murder diorama that bafflingly makes it onto network TV.

    The Mindy Project – Much like New Girl, the nonsense comes from the insane dudes on the show and not really the main character, and while not as funny these people are way more over-exaggerated, bordering on animated show ridiculous and if you thought you’d slit those wrists because Winston said some new non-sequitur, you wouldn’t make it 10 minutes in the Mindy Project universe.

    Spartacus – Does it count that it ended over a year ago (It should when shit like The Walking Dead triumphs on)? Regardless, everyone on earth should watch the shit out of this insane show, and in fact, I’m not even sure a normal person can survive just viewing this monster let alone living in it!

    Like

    • ellemorgan April 6, 2014 / 12:53 am

      So I should watch Vikings then? I’d own that shit. I hear really good things about Spartacus but I haven’t watched it yet. It’s going on the list. Thanks.

      Like

  2. elmerfgantry April 6, 2014 / 12:34 pm

    Never even heard of boardwalk empire. I’ll have to check that out. I tried to get into New Girl, but I just couldn’t do it. Great list, though.

    Like

    • ellemorgan April 9, 2014 / 10:18 pm

      Boardwalk Empire is amazing. Some people find the begining a tad slow though so you have to stick through the first few episodes.

      Like

  3. Zoë May 9, 2014 / 4:59 am

    “…I’d sing like a canary with severe tourettes…” LOL that is just more beautiful than I can describe!

    Like

    • ellemorgan May 9, 2014 / 1:16 pm

      It’s about as beautiful as I am capable of describing.

      Like

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