Things No One Tells You About Living With Your Best Friend

Before I made the faithful leap from living at with my parents to being independent and self sustaining last year I got all kinds of advice from everyone any and every aspect of daily life. Things like: start looking for a new job ASAP, don’t let your dirty dishes sit out, be on good terms with your neighbours, but not too good of terms, and never invite your dealer over to drop off your medicine.

I don’t see why not having a card should make it any less medicinal.

The advice differed from person to person but there was one thing they could all agree on: never move in with your best friend. The sentiment is that a quick way to kill a friendship is to attempt the upgrade to roommates. All that stuff about annoying habits, financial pressure, and my best friend being a slob.

I didn’t listen. Thinking that my best friend and I’s friendship was stronger than that. We would truly be best buds forever and living together would only make us closer. Surely everyone else didn’t understand how great we were together and our friendship could withstand chores and bills. We’d show them.

A worthy foe indeed.

So I moved out with my best friend. And I was right. It’s been a year of being stuck in close quarters with one another and to this day we have never had a real fight let alone gotten sick of being around each other. Our friendship is filled with more hijinks and fart jokes than ever before. We’re so close we apparently have the rest of the world convinced we’re lesbian lovers and even my protests and her confirmations can’t convince them otherwise.

Just look at her lying untrustworthy face. How could anyone believe a thing that comes out of her dishonest pie-hole.

We lucked out. As best friends we have just the right balance of similarities and differences to be totally living compatible. We’re both laid back, socially lazy, shamelessly gross, and insensitive for the sake of a laugh. All the while we both despise different chores. We’re perfect for each other.  I’m not fool enough to think I have this with all of my six friends but I do have it with this friend.

Everyone was so busy warning me not to live with her that no one warned me about all the other shit you have too look out for when you and your best friend get a little too comfortable with each other. I’m here to issue that warning.

1. Just because you two are cool announcing and discussing your bowel movements doesn’t mean the rest of your friends are.

2. There’s no such thing as “your things” anymore. It’s “our things”.

3. Sharing a thought process saves a lot of time explaining concepts and desires but wastes more marvelling at how in sync you are.

4. Body hair removal will become a group activity.

5. You will fall into gender roles as the respective “man” and “woman” of the house based on who steps up to take over traditionally male or female tasks.

Or in my case you’re both!

6. 90% of all your stories will include your roommate in some capacity. The other 10% are stories you’re telling your roommate.

7. You will start to miss your roommate more while visiting your family than you miss your family when you’re at home with your roommate.

8. Your friends and family will question your sexual orientation. Numbers 5, 6, and 7 will not help this.

9. You will adopt a Fred and George method of communicating with others. This often includes made up slang that will never catch on outside your home.

Stop trying to make ‘femrection’ happen. It’s never going to happen.

10. Despite your more progressive attitude towards lounging in your under garments most outsiders do perceive such a state of undress with sexual undertones. Pants are recommended in the presence of company.

11. You’ll become desensitized to each other’s disgusting habits. This sometimes leads to embracing said disgusting habits.

So far I’ve managed to resist her Gnarl like impulses of pealing skin.

12. The dominant personality will absorb the other. What starts out as converting the other to favourite tv shows and sharing reading lists will lead to an adoption of core beliefs and political views on the part of the secondary personality. This is what makes numbers 3 and 9 possible. Lucky for me, I am the dominant personality.

13. If you’re the kind of people who are inclined to design your own house sigil most outsiders will never understand and as a result pity you.

Our house words are “Pizza is Coming”.