My roommate is out of province (that’s non-american for state) right now visiting family so I am all alone for another week and typing this free of the tyrannical constraints of pants.
This has given me a lot of time to do… absolutely nothing. I work for fuck’s sake. But I now have two days off which I’m forced to spend utterly alone. I could make some calls but who are we kidding? I’m not gonna call anyone. I don’t have the social skills. Once we’ve gone a week without talking I’m convinced you just aren’t interested in talking to me and I have no idea how to go about re-establishing a friendship. So I’ll just hang out with me, myself, and I. That’s where all the best conversations are at anyways.
I feel that for a lot of people being alone is one of the hardest things to do. To just sit in a room with yourself can be kind of scary because there’s nothing to distract you from self reflection and being honest can be hard, especially to yourself. It’s a self esteem thing really. I’ve been unpopular enough my entire life that I’m used to being by myself. I even relish in it. When I’m around other people there’s all this pressure to be likeable and not offend anyone, both of which I suck at. When I’m alone I’m at my most productive. Plus I’m able to conserve my make up because I have no one else to impress and I couldn’t impress myself anymore if I tried.
For those of you who aren’t used to spending your days alone it might seem boring and a little pathetic but it doesn’t have to be that way. Boring that is. Anytime you spend a week cut off from human interaction is a little pathetic. What is there to do alone? Can I really have fun without friends? Welp, I’ve given this some thought and as I’m sure some of you might be in the same predicament as yours truly I’m going to share some of my wisdom. Here’s the secret to warding off loneliness.
Did you know they have the animated X-Men Series from the 90’s? They totally do and it’s giving me the chance to relive a little piece of my childhood. It’s proven to be one of those weird cases where it’s actually even better than I remember, you know, in that campy pre-2000’s kind of way.
Maybe X-Men isn’t your thing? Then there’s something deeply wrong with you and you need to find someone to clean that black mark off your soul. I understand finding the right witch doctor takes time and effort so in the mean time you can check out the catalogue of horror films of questionable quality or rediscover the cluster fuck acid trip that was Power Rangers. They’re always a good time killer. No? I guess you could just binge watch Orange is the New Black. Everyone loves OTNB. Even if you’ve seen it you know you want to watch it again. You’ve just been looking for an excuse and I’m giving it to you now.
#2 Be Naked.
For the record I’m talking about being nude in a completely non-sexual way. Pervert. There’s nothing more liberating than going about your business in the buff. It just makes the most undesirable things fun. Everyone hates doing dishes, but doing dishes NAKED, that’s just a good time. There is literally nothing that can’t be made better by nudity and mundane everyday activities are no exception. Studying? Yes sir. Cooking? Yes, but proceed with caution. Laundry? Not wearing clothes really just helps you do a more thorough job. You’re already gaming in your underwear why not take the next step? You also get the added benefit of airing everything out if you know what I’m getting at. Plus learning to be comfortable just being naked does wonders for your body image.
#3 Read A Book.
When was the last time you even read a book? If it has pictures it doesn’t count. I know a lot of people don’t like reading but you must. You’re reading right the fuck now. Maybe a novel seems daunting. That’s your first problem. School’s made reading seem like a chore but it doesn’t have to be. If you find the right book all you need is a little effort to get started before you realize what an injustice your teachers did you by villainizing reading with all those boring short stories and unoffending novels they made you read in high school. Learning can be fun damn it!
Now go expand your vocabulary and word view so you can grow as a person. If you don’t know where to start go ask one of your better educated friends to suggest something for you.
#4 Go For Dinner or a Drink.
Just because you don’t have someone to go with doesn’t mean you can’t do it. Treat yourself and enjoy your solitude while rubbing it in other people’s faces. Sure some people are gonna think you’re lonely and pathetic but they’re strangers who the fuck cares what they think? They’re just projecting on to you anyway. They’re jealous of your confidence. You can even bring that book you’re enjoying so much and just enjoy someone cooking or serving you while you sit back and relax. You don’t have to make conversation or worry about keeping the party going. You don’t have to worry about figuring out the bill. You can enjoy a relaxing outing instead of a rowdy one. I might not do the naked thing for this one though.
#5 Be Disgusting.
The best thing about being free of other people is you don’t have to dodge their judging eyes. All the gross shit you’d never admit to doing are fair game. Fart with abandon, pick your nose, pop that weird zit that’s been on your back for the last week. No one ever has to know. You can slack on personal grooming, gorge yourself of garlic and ice-cream, and watch day time talk shows.
There’s nothing wrong with being a slob once in a while so long as your able to rein it in when you have to. When people are looking. We might all be secretly gross (or in my case not so secretly) but we keep it a secret for a reason. Sometimes it’s hard to look someone in the eye after watching them dig for lint in their belly button for the better part of an hour.
#6 Orchestrate an Elaborate Prank.
There’s few things more satisfying in this world than fucking with the people you love for shits and giggles. If you’ve ever pulled some dumb shit on a friend or family member than you know this joy. If you haven’t you owe it to yourself to find out what that feels like.
Even though I haven’t done anything in a while I still plot. When my roommate leaves me on my own for an extended period of time I like to take the opportunity to make her life a little more funny, even whimsical, and a whole lot less convenient. One of my earlier pranks was wrapping up every exposed item in her bedroom with cellophane. Collectively it took 2 days, 6 hours, and over 550 meters (for my U.S. readers that’s metric system for 1805 feet) of plastic wrap but it was worth it.
I’ve also sealed items in jello and filled her room with balloons and glitter. She’s tied my shit to the ceiling and lined my floor with cups of water. All and all it’s really just brought us closer. I’ve definitely been told by some more mature individuals that it’s all a waste of time and money but those people don’t know the joy and self fulfilment that comes with acting like a insensitive frat boy.