Astrology For Assholes

A lot of people adopt an interest in astrology at some point in their lives. It’s kind f ancient, kind of strange, and centres around everyone’s favourite subject: THEMSELVES!

Most people never dig much deeper than reading their horoscope in the newspaper, but for some people astrology has a real impact on their lives. To them, their horoscope isn’t just something to read when you finish the funnies and have five minutes left on your coffee break, it’s advice to live by.

I think we all know a few people who take their zodiac sign a little too seriously. In one of your first conversations they’ll ask you what your sign is as if will help them gage how compatible you are. On more than one occasion I’ve walked into the break room at work and right into the middle of a discussion on how Jupiter being in retrograde is making customer’s cranky. Maybe it’s just me but I get kinda pissy when someone asks me my sign and then nods knowingly as if something as trivial as when I was born can give them all the information they need to know about me. You don’t know me. I don’t appreciate being stuck in a little box labelled “capricorn” and having every little thing I do come back to mer-goats.

A mer-goat is simultaneously the stupidest and most badass looking thing I’ve ever heard of.

When I was a kid I went through a lot of phases. Most of these phases centred around what one might call ‘alternative spirituality’. Basically I was into a lot of weird shit. As a result my head if full of all sorts of sometimes interesting, and always useless information about pagan holidays and which line on your palm says what. All in all It’s even less useful than all the different references and homages I can point out in Tarantino movies.

I’m not even kidding. It’s actually kind of embarrassing looking back on it. It started out as a healthy interest in world mythology and turned in to a serious desire to be a Wiccan. I’d spend hours reading about the mystical properties of crystals, recalling past lives through meditation, and faery lore. That’s how I know it’s supposed to be faery and not fairy. I even took up reading tarot cards which I got pretty good at once upon a time, but that’s a whole other subject that I can get into at a later date.

The point is I was a weird kid and I was super keen on all this wacko mystical thinking. Maybe it’s because I was trying to find myself, or maybe it was because I was passionately anti-conformist. Honestly though, if I really had to pin it down I think it was just my way of coping with never receiving a letter from Hogwarts.

Harry got all those letters and I didn’t even get one. Go ahead Potter. Rub it in.

One of the first things I got into was Astrology. I started taking out books from the school library and I found an online site to do my birth chart and that was really what crossed the line from academic interest in other beliefs, to giving them actual weight. At the time my birth chart really resonated with me and at 12 years old I was pretty impressionable.

I’ve long since out grown my birth chart and abandoned any faith in astrology on the grounds that it makes no fucking sense and no logical person would ever base their own or someone else’s personality on what the stars supposedly tell them. It’s using my old knowledge that I am going to give you a handy guide to the zodiac signs so that you too can judge others based on the completely uncontrollable circumstance of when they were pushed out their mother’s hoo-ha.

Aries
(March 21st-April 20th)

Aries is kind of a dick. There I said it. Aries’ fancy themselves as leaders and will often take over the role without being asked or wanted. They have a hard time being team players and can come across as crass and insensitive because that’s exactly what they are. They’re cocky, competitive, jerk-offs who don’t believe in procrastination or the feelings of other people. Impulsive and self important, they tend to think little of the opinions of others because who else it as great as them? Aries would be wise not to push themselves too hard as they’re inclined to peak in high school.

When dealing with an Aries it’s best to let them go about their business and not offer too much insight. Giving opinions runs the risk of sparking their combative nature which easily beats back the voice of reason. If you do befriend an Aries however, you can expect fierce loyalty to balance out their general dickishness. If you’re able to put up with their bullshit long enough to get in a relationship with an Aries you can enjoy their seemingly never ending stamina (wink wink). Be sure to stretch regularly.

Ideal Entourage: Leo, Taurus, and Sagittarius.

Most Likely To Piss Off: Cancer, Capricorn, and Virgo

Taurus
(April 21st-May 21st)

Astrology.com describes Taurus as “fixed, fruitful, feminines and moist”. Thanks for that lovely image of my mother you sick, sick perverts.

Taurus are like the uppity old men of the Zodiac. They are stuck in their ways and fear change. A blend of thoughtful and stubborn, Tauruses take forever to make decisions as they take them very seriously but once a decision is reached, good fucking luck to you on getting them to change their mind about it. Tauruses are patient perfectionists who enjoy simplicity and consistency. They take deviations much too personally to pass for any kind of well adjusted human being. Their ability to out angst a 14 year old boy coupled with their resistance to progress makes them the most likely to snap and unload an automatic weapon in a public place. Tauruses should keep in mind that change is a good thing and should stop wasting their days brooding away over imagined slights. Lighten the fuck up.

When relating to a Taurus it’s best to keep show boating to a minimum and keep criticisms to yourself as both are sure fire ways to piss them off. Rushing a Taurus is frowned upon as their bullheaded nature is likely to encourage them to take even longer out of spite, all the while heaving and spitting in your general direction.  Those romantically involved with a Taurus can enjoy a laid back, slow and steady pace but shouldn’t expect much sexual experimentation.

Ideal Companions: Cancer, Virgo, and Aries.

Most Likely To Butt Heads With: Leo, Scorpio, and Aquarius.

Gemini
(May 22nd – June 21st)

This joke is still funnier than the actual movie.

Geminis are scatter brained. They’re always adopting new interests and have an inability to settle down. Often perky, and always flakey, Geminis are all over the place. Geminis are easily bored and always looking for something new without much regard for consequences. Their interests are often fleeting, leaving them with many experiences and a wide span of knowledge on multiple topics that never quite makes it past the shallow end of the pool. Being very social Geminis are big talkers and totally into self expression as they themselves will gladly tell you in great detail; for the better part of an hour. Despite an unusually sunny disposition most of the sobbing girls you’ll find throwing up in your local bar are Geminis.

Geminis are easy to like and easy to befriend. Really they’re just easy in general. If in a relationship with a Gemini you better be prepared to keep up with them as they are completely incapable of sitting still. You should also be ready for a constant string of never ending conversations about your feelings and your relationship. Between their constant list of activities and constant need to talk about it, don’t expect much peace and quiet.

Ideal Conversationalists:  Libra, Cancer and Aquarius.

Most Likely To Wear Out: Virgo, Capricorn, And Scorpio.

Cancer
(June 22nd- July 23rd)

Cancers are emotionally unstable. Moody, clingy and sentimental, cancers will often neglect rational thinking for their feelings. They can be unpredictable in their reactions to things big and small: all of which they feel intensely. They do not take kindly to having their over reactions pointed out as such. Crying should be expected. Their emotional nature however does makes them highly receptive to other’s feelings and great support systems. Cancers are creative and love crafts. They make exceptional home makers as they are generally hermits who like to undertake DIY projects. Cancers should take the time to breath and maybe find themselves an understanding counsellor.

You should always be delicate with Cancers as they “change with the moon” which means they are prone to mood swings and therefore PMS more intensely than other signs. Despite their emotional instability Cancers are kind and loyal friends. If you are dating a Cancer go ahead and put a ring on it because Cancers are 100% marriage material with all their strong maternal/paternal instincts and great sandwich making powers. Just beware: Cancer’s have a tendency to let themselves go when in a relationship, and Friday nights are scrap booking nights so save the date.

Ideally Weep On: Leo, Gemini, and Pisces.

Most Likely To Chase Off: Aries, Virgo, and Sagittarius.

Leo
(July 24th – August 23rd)

Leo is an attention whore. Leos have a flair for dramatic entrances that compliment their big boastful personalities.  True people persons, Leos thrive on acknowledgement from others. Despite coming across as egotistical, most Leos are terribly insecure. They often try to over compensate for this by being the most fabulous person in the room at all times. This also makes them naturally jealous people. Energetic, loud, in your face, and just a little catty, it’s unsurprising that most drag queens are Leos. Don’t believe me? You shouldn’t. That’s a completely unfounded assumption that just feels right to me at this moment in time. Leos are also most likely to channel their daddy issues into a career as a stripper.

The best way to get in with a leo is with compliments. There is virtually no where flattery can’t get you. Once you are in there you are in for the long hall whether you like it or not. Leo’s are fierce friends who’s allegiance is borderline clingy. When in a relationship with a Leo they are very generous, so make sure to always make a big deal out of all the little gifts they bring you and return the favour or you risk hurting their feelings. You do NOT want to hurt a leos feelings. They’ll stew on it for months before they blow up all over you.

Ideal Audience: Aries, Cancer, and Sagittarius.

Most Likely To Overwhelm: Virgo, Capricorn, and Scorpio.

Virgo
(August 24th – September 23rd)

Virgos are the trolls of the Zodiac. Always practical and perfect, Virgos are the most likely to correct your spelling on facebook. Highly critical of pretty much everythin,g Virgo’s pretty much get off on pointing out when you’re wrong. Often quiet and unassuming at first, anyone who’s ever tried to work with a Virgo will tell you how hard to deal with they are. They expect only the best and nit pick at details. It’s often unclear if they’re really this impossibly anal, or if they are just trying to fuck with you. The answer is both.

Virgos are highly practical and have little need or desire for silliness. This makes them kind of a drag at parties but great partners for school or work assignments. Virgos have very high standards so if you somehow manage to land one as a partner I wouldn’t expect it to last long. They are self sufficient, and they really don’t need you. Seeing as their mascot is The Virgin don’t expect to get much in the nookie department. It’s not so much that they are prudes so much as it is that they are totally asexual.

Ideal Targets: Taurus, Capricorn, and Scorpio.

Most Likely To Enrage: Aries, Aquarius, and Leo.

Libra
(September 24th – October 23rd)

There’s a saying in the Zodiac that Libra’s make the best doormats and they totally do. A Libra’s whole bit is scales and balance. They’re great at seeing multiple sides to the same argument or situation but shit at taking a side. Libras never want to offend anyone and so remain unbiased to a fault. They need to be liked by everyone. They are by far the most indecisive sign and often need more self assured signs to make decisions for them. without a back bone of their own Libras are often taken advantage of by the douchier signs among us (i.e. fire signs).

Libras are great for advice due to their ability to see things others don’t but they’re absolutely shit at taking their own advice. Forever the pacifist Libras are irritating in their inability to get mad or have an opinion about anything. This annoying quality is coincidentally what makes them such great sidekicks: the are just happy to tag along. Anyone entering a romantic entanglement with a Libra should be prepared to pull on their figurative pants, because from here on out another human being is completely dependant on you.

Ideally Cling To: Leo, Sagittarius, and Gemini.

Incapable of Functioning with: Cancer, Virgo, and Taurus.

Scorpio
(October 24th – November 22nd)

There’s no other way to put this: Scorpio is a crazy bitch. Scorpios are kind of slutty and the sign most likely to commit murder. They are emotionally extreme but at the same time manage to be damn near irresistible. They are a sexual dynamo, they know it, you know it, and they use it to their advantage. Cunning and manipulative, Scorpios are always looking out for number one. Highly sensitive and passionate they’re prone to random bursts of anger. Scorpios are by far the most difficult sign to have any kind of healthy interaction with. They have a strong sense of self and give exactly no fucks.

Always be on high alert when alone with a Scorpio you never know what they’ll do, but chances are it wont end well for you. I’d try to give further advice but honestly, you are better off avoiding this sign altogether. If you find yourself unwittingly in a relationship with one run. Just. Run.

Ideal Play Things: Cancer, Sagittarius, and Capricorn.

Most Likely To Kill: Taurus, Gemini, and Leo.

Sagittarius
(November 23rd – December 22th)

What we have here is your standard Manic Pixie Dream Girl/Guy. Sagittarius are optimists with a thirst for adventure and short attention span. With an inflated sense of invincibility Sagittarius are reckless and often develop gambling problems. Their thirst for freedom and adventure often leads to them jumping into lots of half baked schemes and sticky situations. Good thing for the Sagittarius they are notoriously lucky. They skate through life without ever having to deal with the repercussions of their stupid decisions because everything will always work out for them. The worse part is that they are so damn charming it’s impossible to hate them for it. Fuck you Sagittarius. They also love whiney indy rock music.

Beware around a Sagittarius. They mean well but forget that not everyone has been blessed by the gods as they have been. It’s easy to get caught up in Sagittarius’s free spirited enthusiasm, but it’s usually best to sit back and watch from a comfortable distance. In romance Sagittariuses make great flings. They are inspiring and can open your mind to new experiences so you can write that screen play of yours. They do not however have much settling down potential so it’s best not to get too attached.

Ideal Lost Soul To Guide: Pisces, Capricorn and Scorpio.

Most Likely To Cripple: Cancer, libra, and Virgo.

Capricorn
(December 23rd – January 19th)

Capricorns are hands down the best. Self Reliant, resourceful, good with money, determined, level headed, sexy… The list goes on. They are essentially the Batman of the Zodiac. Some less intelligent and jealous signs see Capricorns as elitist, cold, and needlessly cynical/suspicious, but that’s completely preposterous. Capricorns are great judges of character and simply reserve their funny and affectionate nature for those who are able to get a passed their, universally celebrated, bullshit detector. Capricorns are ambitious, yet down to earth. Generous, yet take no shit. Badasses with hearts of gold. They are also most likely to save the world.

If you want to get in a Capricorn’s good books I have one word for you “Punctuality”. Lateness is taken as a personal slight to a Capricorn. A great show of disrespect. Capricorn’s don’t believe in wasting time. Capricorn’s aren’t exactly what you’d call “people people” but when convinced they make dependable friends and mind blowing lovers.

Ideal Sidekicks: Virgo, Aquarius, and Cancer.

Most Likely Nemesis: Aries, Leo, and Gemini.

Aquarius
(January 20th – February 19th)

Aquarius are wacky, bleeding heart, liberals. Idealistic and strange as shit, Aquariuses have to be acting like weirdo’s intentionally right? Aquariuses don’t just march to the beat of a different drum, they crump to it. True Humanitarians with a party animal lurking within. They’re quick to take up causes and are against pretty much everything except experimenting with drugs and sex. Logically many suffer from substance abuse problems. Aquariuses are your friends that never really grew up after collage. Their passion and ideals are touchingly naive and a little irritating. They have big hearts but most of their methods go over people’s heads.

It doesn’t take much effort to befriend an Aquarius they usually come to you. They love to communicate and bum weed so they pretty much have to endear themselves to others. Dating an Aquarius can be tiring but they sure aren’t boring. Their whole “I’m beyond material possessions and consumer culture” diatribe gets pretty hard to support though when you are always stuck with the bill. Bunch of free loaders.

Ideally Mooch off: Capricorn, Libra, and Sagittarius.

Most Likely to Alienate Themselves from: Virgo, Scorpio, and Aries.

Pisces
(February 20th – March 20th)

Pisces are the forgotten sign. Honestly who ever remember’s Pisces? That’s their fault though really. They like to fly under the radar, mostly because they tend to be a little on the paranoid side. They are convinced they have some kind of sixth sense or clairvoyance or some shit. They see meaning in things others dismiss even when they really shouldn’t. They’re big dreamers and prefer to spend their time locked away in their own imagination than face reality. Pisces are the kind of people who would volunteer to be plugged into the Matrix.

Pisces aren’t great with human interaction so if you want to get to know one it’s going to take pretty much all the effort on your part but maybe, if you’re lucky, you can get an aura reading out of it. Long term relationships are virtually unheard of between Pisces and any other signs as Pisces can get all of their sexual fulfilment through joint meditation unlike any normal person.

Ideal Spirit Guides: Aquarius, Leo, and Scorpio.

Most Likely To Exasperate: Virgo, Aries, and Capricorn.