4 Pets The Internet Needs To Adopt

Is anyone else sick of cats? I’m sick of cats. I get it. Cats are jerks who do funny shit. I’ve had cats before, internet. There’s nothing you can show me a cat doing that I haven’t witnessed first hand. Fuck cats.

As for the sloth thing I never understood it. People on Facebook share videos of sloths eating and I don’t know why I even clicked play to begin with. Yeah, it’s eating. Slowly. So fucking what? Don’t even get me started on Pandas.

The point is: we all know that the internet has bad taste and this isn’t limited to fan art and pornography. When it comes to adopting animals as viral sensations we’re just downright lazy. It’s time to retire the cat videos and move on to more interesting creatures. Now, I’m not the type of person to waist their time watching videos of animals being adorable when I could be watching Netflix or videos of Jennifer Lawrence being adorable but I’d make exceptions for these critters every god damn time.  Are you ready to fall in love internet?

Otters

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Otter’s have had their potential as an internet phenomenon limited to pun memes, they have so much more to offer us in ways of mindless entertainment. If you’ve ever been to an aquarium or some zoos than you know what I’m talking about. Otter’s are playful, funny, and dare I say whimsical? They’re the hyperactive, lovable, morons  of the sea. Ok, maybe morons is a little much, they’re actually pretty smart, using rocks to crack open shells and such. They also like to play piano apparently.

Otter’s are members of the weasel family so that fact alone lets you know they have a badass streak but instead they choose to use their mind set of not giving a fuck for goofing off rather than destruction. Their awe induceing behaviours include: playing tag, eating sea urchins, holding hands and just look at this little guy trying to juggle!

They also make some of the funniest and most adorable squeaking and clucking noises you’ll ever hear. Purring is so overrated.

Platypus

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Look at that stupid looking thing. Cute in a weird pokemon kind of way isn’t it? How is this little doofus not a news feed dominating force? It’s like god was feeling crafty one day and whipped out the glue gun to stick some leftover duck parts onto a beaver. It’s so ridiculous you can’t help but want one.

It’s important to keep in mind that you should never approach a platypus in the wild because they come from Australia so of course the males are highly venomous and even though human’s are too big for the dosage to be lethal it can seriously fuck you up in a painful way for days or even months. At least it’s still cute from the safety of your computer.


Pigs

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I’m a little bias on this one. I fucking love pigs. They’re pretty much my favourite animal and I have this idea in my head that if everyone knew how fucking adorable, intelligent, and charming they were, then the world would stop using a grotesque stereotype of them as an insult and maybe even, I don’t know, stop mass murdering them for their bacon. Was I the only one who did the assigned reading for Charlotte’s Web in elementary school?

I hope this exact image springs to mind whenever you look at a pork chop.
I hope this exact image springs to mind whenever you look at a pork chop.

Does anyone remember Hamlet? A couple years ago a few videos of a mini pig with the best pun related name possible went viral for all of 20 min. Even though his popularity was short lived that little guy was, and is, cute as shit.

If watching a piglet maneuver his way down the stairs like he’s in an Atari game isn’t your thing then watch this video of a pig “dancing” and tell me you feel nothing.

Pigs are thought to exhibit the intelligence of a five year old child. Leagues smarter than cats or dogs pigs are the most most clever of all domesticated animals. They’ve been taught to understand words and phrases, solve puzzles, and even to play curser video games designed for chimpanzees just as quickly as any of the apes. Pigs are clever as hell guys. Just check out this trained pig blow any trick you’ve ever taught your dog out of the water.

Armadillos

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Awe, it’s a little possum dressed up as a little knight. He’s probably on his way to slay the komodo dragon to save his burrow. It’s like the most metal rodent of all time. Only they aren’t rodents. They’re more closely related to ant eaters and sloths believe it or not. They’re the last surviving species of the cingulata, which is an order of armoured new world mammals. Being the last of anything only adds to it’s appeal, not that these little guys would need it, their fucking darling and quirky with a little badass on the side. Did you know they eat fire ants? They do.

Armadillos: The only species that see this and think, "Hey! Lunch!"
Scientists theorize that the stinger actually makes them more delicious than your common variety ant.

Despite any cartoon you’ve ever seen featuring an armadillo they can’t all roll into a ball for defence or to attack, or at all. The three banded armadillo can though. The armadillo, adorably named Rollie, in this video uses this super power to tug at your heart strings.

It is almost enough to make you forget armadillos spread leprosy.

 

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