Why Concerts Are Actually The Worst

Credit: wallpaper abyss: http://wall.alphacoders.com/big.php?i=151409
Credit: Wallpaper Abyss

In a world where no one buys CDs anymore, going on tour is one of the best ways for musicians to make money. It seems there’s no shortage of people willing to drop $100-200 dollars to watch live music.

To me this makes no sense because there are few things worse for me to blow my money and time on. If someone constructed an event for the soul purpose of inflicting misery upon me, it would be a concert. It’s an atmosphere I can’t get behind and I’m never high enough to just relax and enjoy it like everyone else around me. They must be high. I have to assume their high because there’s no other context that I can imagine someone enjoying themselves.

I like music just as much as the next person but I’ll never get people’s need to watch people play it, which is probably why to this day I have never watched The Grammys, The MMA’s or the VMA’s. I just don’t give a shit.

I’ve been to a few concerts and festivals but it wasn’t until my most recent outing that I realized how much I hated being there. it was literally a combination of everything I hate.

It is loud. I know this is a ‘duh’ thing. Concerts are known for being loud and rowdy but for some reason I always picture something much more chill in my head than the reality. It’s how I trick myself in to going I guess. The music is roaring at a decimal that prevents me from appreciating the music itself, the people around me are screaming and shouting, and now I have a head ache. I might as well listen to television static for all the joy I get out of it.

It is crowded. I can’t say I’m a fan of people. For anyone who’s uncomfortable in social settings drowning in an obnoxious, drunk, sea of them is pretty much the worst. Being surrounded by that many people can be an assault on the senses with all the different sights, smells, and levels of stupidity. Being in a regular crowd can be overwhelming enough without the added desire to party and presence of ecstasy and PCP.

I also happen to be a huge fan of personal space. It’s like, the best. Call me crazy, but I love my body not being in contact with those of strangers’, so mosh pits and dance floors are out of the question. If you’re like me you pretty much spend all night trying to find new ways to fold in on yourself in order to achieve minimum surface area.

It is blinding. What is so much fun about having a technical director flash lights directly into your face? Someone please explain this to me.

It almost never sounds as good live. It’s a pretty sad reflection of the modern music industry but the fact is many artist can’t deliver in person. Most of the time they make up for it in gimmicks and theatrics, which actually is a good reason in itself to go, but if you’re going strictly for the music you’ll probably wish you just stayed at home and listened to your ipod.

I’m short and tall people are dicks. If you’re small in stature, like yours truly, than you experience a whole new level of frustration if you attend anything at an unseated venue. If you’re in a stadium or theatre with assigned seating than the place is probably designed in a way that allows everyone to see. If however you’re at an outdoor concert or any other place without assigned seating you’re pretty much fucked. I’m maybe 5″4 so that means 80% of everyone else there is at least a head taller that I am which amounts to me not being able to see shit. Other than the big lights anyway.

I don’t know what it is about crowds that makes people abandon any kind of compassion for their fellow paying fans but there is never any shortage of 6″5 douchebags trying to stand front in centre. Whatever happened to concert etiquette? I get that everyone wants the best possible view but if you’re a taller individual than your search for the best vantage point probably led you to settle yourself directly in front of someone a foot shorter than you are. Now you can see everything and I can’t see anything. If you find yourself doing this by accident then be a decent human and let the vertically challenged sap behind you move ahead of you.

If you’re short then you have no clue what the fuck is happening on stage because every time you manage to get somewhere that you can actually see one member of the band, some looming ass-hat budged right in front of you. All these human skyscrapers even have the audacity to raise camera’s over there heads because apparently going to concerts these days is all about getting footage to upload to youtube instead of actually trying to be in the moment….

It is expensive. Buying merchandise at any event is pricey, but asking me to spend a small fortune for a few hours of entertainment it just straight up unreasonable. I’m a cheap asshole so I’d never drop $200 on a concert ticket but there are plenty of people who do. Let’s say you get off relatively easy and your initial ticket is only $80. When you get there you’re pretty much obligated to buy a t-shirt so there goes another $40. Greasy, artery clogging, heart stopping, food is gonna be another $20ish. If you’re at a venue that serves alcohol you’re paying  like $8 per beer. They fuck your wallet at every given opportunity and at the end of the night all you have to show for it is a t-shirt, busted ear drums, some blurry photo’s and a hangover.

If it turns out in the end that I’m wrong and hell does exist (lets face it, if it does my place is reserved), my torture would be to spend eternity lost at a music festival with no way out.

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5 thoughts on “Why Concerts Are Actually The Worst

  1. starwarsanon September 15, 2014 / 8:37 am

    I agree with most of this. However – I am a big fan of country music and most country concerts sound as good in person as on the album and I believe that’s because they are very vocal driven and don’t rely on synthesizers as much. Some of the newer bands not so much (I’ve heard the Band Perry is not great live), but out of all the country artists I’ve seen live, I’ve loved how I’m receiving the same as what I usually listen to and then some.

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    • ellemorgan September 16, 2014 / 3:01 pm

      I can see how most country music would easy to recreate on stage. Some artists are probably better live than on their albums (like Bruno Mars from what I here) but I don’t have the patience to find out.

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  2. vampireplacebo September 15, 2014 / 12:11 pm

    I love concerts. I don’t buy music, ever, so I show my support of bands I love by going to shows. I’ve never paid more than 70 or 80 dollars for a show. Some artists I like I’ve never seen because they charge a ridiculous price for tickets, so I won’t go, but thankfully a lot of the bands I like are not crazy popular, so I go to their shows which are in smaller venues, so even if you’re at the other end of the building, it’s small enough that you can still see the stage relatively well. When I was younger I used to arrive early to those unseated venues so that I could be as close as possible. Now I’m unfortunately in a wheelchair, so I don’t go nearly as often anymore, and I’ve learned that yes indeed, a lot of douchebags go to concerts. Trying to get close to the stage in a wheelchair? Forget it. Most people just don’t move. But I still try get in 2 or 3 shows a year.

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  3. Harry Calnan September 16, 2014 / 9:31 pm

    When you’re right, you’re right. Few (if any) concerts are worth the astronomical ticket prices.

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  4. Tasheo Bukkake March 21, 2016 / 7:45 am

    Some bands attract really bad smelling fans. Phish is the worst. Any band with a lot of white girls in dreads is a dead give away.

    Like

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