5 Superheroes That Should Have Their Own Movies Already

Earlier this week our store “huddle” or meeting got derailed by the fact that only four of us showed up and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

We’d barely brought up the previous days sales before we abandoned the concept to discus Marvel Studios. One point we touched on was the lack of diversity at which point one co-worker stated that the only superheroine property that Marvel could make profit off of on the big screen was Black Widow because she was already an established supporting character in the franchise.

Said co-worker clearly doesn’t read any comics. Even if he hadn’t admitted so himself, such a statement is enough to give him away as there are many heroines currently and previously headlining their own successful series.

Such a claim isn’t new. I’ve heard he same sentiment repeated in other conversations with other people and there’s no shortage of this opinion on message boards. Even Kevin Feige the head of Marvel studios said earlier this month that there are no plans for a female superhero movie and he” wont be swayed by backlash”.

“We’re going to keep bringing the movies out the way we envision it and the way we believe in it — and that includes diversity in all of the active films” 

When he says diversity he means white men.
When he says ‘diversity’ he means ‘conventionally attractive white men and their black or female sidekicks’.

The idea is that there aren’t any heroines with enough mainstream popularity to lead their own franchise. To this I say: they made a fucking Guardians Of The Galaxy movie. Guardians was pretty obscure even amongst a majority of the comic reading public but that didn’t stop Marvel Studios from taking a chance on a story that featured a semi-talking tree monster and a racoon as key members of the ensemble. Marvel could spare 170 million dollars on a risky property few people had heard of without worrying about taking much of a financial hit, but they can’t do the same for a female character with a larger fan base why?

Marvel Studios is trying to launch an Ant Man franchise for fuck sakes. Ant Man. We’re going to see an Ant Man movie before fucking Wonder Woman is allowed on the big screen without being eclipsed by Superman and Batman fighting each other. Moving beyond gender, does anyone else think it’s weird that we’ve seen more green and blue superheroes adapted than black superheroes or latino superheroes? And the only time you get Asian superheroes is in anime. Seriously, The Hulk, Beast, Nightcrawler, Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles, Mystic, Gamora…

I'm starting to wonder if there's a casting circle dedicated to hiding Zoe Saldana's race.
I’m starting to wonder if there’s a casting director out there dedicated to hiding Zoe Saldana’s blackness.

Apparently we’re ok with races besides white people as our saviours of the world as long as they don’t actually exist. I don’t get it. I thought everyone loved Blade.

And what’s the excuse executives always give when asked about when we’ll see some diversity in our superhero leads? Some shit about the time not being right. Fuck you. The time is now assholes. These are five superheroes who should have had they’re own movie by now.


Black Panther

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He’s one of the most popular black superheroes, if not the most popular black superhero and for good reason: He kicks lots of ass and is one of the greatest minds in the Marvel Universe. King of the super advanced nation of Wakanda T’Challa is a nobel man who’s dedicated his abilities, financial resources and his life to the good of mankind. Blessed with the powers of the panther god, Bast, after defeating his uncle in combat and eating the heart shaped herb.

What are you waiting for kids? Go find some strange plants to eat.
What are you waiting for kids? Go find some strange plants to eat! You wanna be a superhero don’t ya?

T’Challa’s abilities include superhuman senses like hearing and smell, and superhuman strength and agility. He also has his vibranium Black Panther suit which is able to absorb kinetic energy and has been outfitted with Wakandian technology that includes a cloaking device, and anti-metal claws.

A Black Panther origin story could open with the death of T’Challa’s father by Klaw on his mission to steal the rare vibranium metal that enables Wakanda’s technology. T’Challa’s trials to become Black Panther and de-thrown his uncle and end with the invitable return of Klaw. Include T’Challa’s relationship with his older brother Hunter who blames T’Challa for their mother dying in child birth and resents him becoming king.

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Thats what we call Game of Thrones level sibling rivalry.

With Hunter, The White Wolf, and his secret police the Hatut Zeraze in the plot and you could have a well rounded story with complex character dynamics and betrayal.

We can play with the timeline a little bit and have the formally hidden Wakanda’s existence exposed to the public after Klaws defeat at the end of the movie and from there we could tie Black Panther into the Avengers. Bam. Take my money.

Wonder Woman

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She’s such an iconic figure she needs no introduction. When someone says “Superheroine” 9 times out of 10 she’s who springs to mind. I can’t understate my frustration that it’s 2014 and we have yet to see a Wonder Woman movie. DC/Warner Brothers doesn’t even have one slated. This is bullshit. Sure she’s going to be in Batman Vs Superman but Wonder Woman is one third of the Justice Leagues’ holy trinity for fucks sake and the best she gets is a bit part in her male colleagues film? Batman has 8 movies under his belt and Superman has 6 and Wonder Woman has 0. Get your shit together DC.

Sure she hasn’t always been the most consistent property but she’s an icon, people would pay to see a Wonder Woman movie. She had a successful tv show that ran 3 seasons in the 70’s. You have a script penned by Joss Whedon. Come on. There’s even an animated movie from 2008 that is fucking spectacular. Why can’t they just do that but in live action?

Ms. Marvel/Captain Marvel

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Rumours of a Ms. Marvel movie have been coming and going for a while now with Katee Sackhoff most recently linked to the role many speculating over a cameo in Avengers 2: Age of Ultron. There’s clearly a desire and demand for a Ms. Marvel movie if rumours are so damn persistent. She’s a former Air Force Major, former CIA Agent, and former NASA security director turned superheroine. Needless to say, Carol Danvers was an accomplished badass way before she was infused with Captain Marvel’s Kree powers giving her the ability to fly, super strength, super speed, super durabilty, and being able to shoot photonic blasts from her hands. She’s just all around awesome and deserves all our respect and all our money at the box office.

She punched a dinosaur for fuck sakes.
She punched a dinosaur for fuck sakes.

Starting with Carol taking her position with NASA and overseeing studies of an abandoned Kree robot where she meets Mar-Vell who’s masquerading as Dr. Walter Lawson. She develops a fascination with him sensing he’s hiding something and begins to investigate. Eventually the two fall in love but Mar-Vell’s commander and enemy Yon-Rogg abducts Carol. It’s during the fight with Yon-rogg that Carol’s genetic structure is altered do to a damaged Psyche-Magnitron device becoming Ms. Marvel.

I think it would be fine to take some artistic license and by past Danver’s whole black out, split personality phase and have her come out swinging during the final battle. Even with an origin story that wouldn’t see her get her powers till nearly the end of the movie it would still be worth the time and money if done right and Marvel studios resists the urge to turn Mar-Vell/ Captain Marvel into the main hero. Lets be honest here, no one’s favourite superhero is Captain Marvel.

More like Captain Meh-vel.
More like Captain Meh-vel.

The only reason his series ran as long as it did was for copyright reason over the name Marvel. Might as well kill him during the final battle for an emotional climax that leads to Ms. Marvel claiming the final victory.

Green Lantern (Pretty much anyone other than Hal Jordan)
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This one is a cheat. Technically there is a Green Lantern movie, but it sucks and we all know they’re gonna have to do something if they’re heading for Justice League. Lets have the new franchise start like 10 years post Green Lantern and instead of trying to get Ryan Reynolds back when he clearly has no interest, they can use one of the other dozen earth Green Lanterns in DC’s repertoire. Maybe someone a little less white bread?

The cool thing about Green Lantern is that since it’s a position and not a person many characters have taken up the role in sector 2814. As such, there has been a Green Lantern for every colour of earth’s spectrum. In the Mythology the first ever human Green Lantern was Jong Li, a chinese monk. John Stewart is probably the second best known Green Lantern and the Green Lantern I’m most familiar with from more recent cartoons. And the New 52 has outed Alan Scott as Gay. But for the sake of our reboot we should go with Kyle Rayner.

Apparently Rayner’s ethnicity is up for debate on fan forums but I always thought he was Latino. From what I can find canonically he’s been described as half hispanic and half white.

Its unclear is fans see this as an example of a white man loosing his job to a mexican.
There’s one example of a white man loosing his job to a mexican.

I’d argue that Kyle might actually have been the greatest Green Lantern. Unlike previous Green Lanterns Rayner was choosen by chance and had no one to show him how to use the ring. He was the last hope and for a long time the only Green Lantern in the Galaxy until he re-established the Corps. Raynor’s career as an artist gave him the imagination to use the ring in new ways and since his ring was actually experimental he could wear as much yellow as he wanted.

Rayner’s origins would make a kick ass set up for a movie and also cover some plot wholes that bridging Green Lanterns with the up coming DC cinematic universe. Questions like, where were the Green Lantern Corps while Agent Van Alden was trying to destroy earth in Man of Steel? Simple, dead. They were all dead as Man of Steel takes place after Hal Jordan lost his shit and murdered everyone with a green ring.

Grandma?
Grandma?

Is there a better prolog for a reboot than the hero of the previous film straight up killing everybody to hit the undo button?

Storm

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How do we have two solo Wolverine movies and Storm doesn’t have one? When Fox first announced the prospect of an origins series Magneto and Storm were some of the films fans wanted most. Storm is a fan favourite and for good reason. Storm is a capable leader with a strong will and the power to control the weather. She’s also a skilled combatant and considered to have Omega mutant potential making her a force to be reckoned with. With her first ongoing solo series that came out last July now could be the time to cash in on a X-Men movie with Storm at the helm.

Ororo Munroe’s origins begin with the death of her parents when a plane crashed into their home in Cairo Egypt. Ororo was taken in by a gang of street merchants where she became a master pick pocket. She eventually went in search of her mother’s ancestral home in Kilimanjaro Valley where her mother was a princess. She discovered her abilities while journeying through the Sahara desert and even saved a young T’Challa from kidnappers with whom she developed a romantic interest and would later marry.

Some might same shes started dating down since their separation.
Some might say she’s started dating down since their separation.

When Strom reached Kilimanjaro Valley her mother’s tribe worshipped her as a goddess due to her abilities. It was there with the help of a few members of the X Men that she squared off against Deluge a mutant who shared Ororo’s weather controling powers and was looking for revenge on humanity. Shortly afterward she was recruited by Charles Xavier and became the Storm we know and love.

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5 Lousy Lessons in Love We Learn From Movies

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Film is a great medium for spreading ideas. Few other art forms are as universally accessible as what plays out for you on the screen. In some cases this power is used for good and sometimes it’s used for evil. And then sometimes it’s just used to make money by spoon feeding audiences mindless drivel. Most of the time mindless escapism doesn’t have much of an impact on your day to day life or real world expectations. They’re just movies after all. No one expects the stranger who stops them on the street to tell them they’ve been chosen to fight a legion of evil, demon possessed, alien, zombie, robots to save humankind from enslavement/total destruction just because some similar situation played out in %40 of all movies they’ve ever seen. We know that man is just looking for a light, or the time, or to mug you depending on the kind of neighbourhood you live in.

Give me your wallet if you want to live.
Give me your wallet if you want to live.

The exception to this rule for many is love. Chick flicks and romantic comedies may not be any more realistic than the next sci-fi film but that doesn’t stop people from falling hook line and sinker for all that mushy fluff. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying mushy fluff as long as you recognize it for what it is: complete bullshit. The problem is that for nearly all of us movie romance is our first exposure to the complexity of feelings, relationships, and sharing genitals. Whether we actively notice it or not it has a huge impact on how we view love and expect our relationships to be. Here are 5 lousy lessons in love you learned from movies.

5. It’s All About Passion

Not to downplay passion or anything, I’m sure it’s great, there are things movies don’t take into account when it comes to two people’s qualifications as soul mates. Things like stability, compatibility, and potential for a healthy relationship. Think about the great movie lovers, Jack and Rose, Baby and Johnny, Allie and Noah. Sure they all have unbridled passion going for them but can you really sustain a relationship on passion alone?

No, but you probably could on Swayze's shoulders.
No, but you probably could on Swayze’s shoulders.

Sometimes despite all their chemistry two people are just too different to work out and that’s not something to be ignored. You want different things, you have clashing ideologies, and you live very different lifestyles but who cares when the sex is this good? Even more importantly passion can be explosive and not just in the bedroom. As much as you love anyone sometimes they will piss you off and if you have a whirlwind kind of love that’s also going to translate to a whirlwind hate. Jealousy and rage are also things fuelled by passion.

Nothing says "I love you" quite like verbal abuse.
Nothing says “I love you” quite like verbal abuse.

Everyone has known that one couple that loves each other so deeply that they plainly ignore how turbulent their relationship is. They’re toxic together. They fight all the time get each other rilled up over nothing but for some reason they refuse to just call it quits no matter how many times they break up they always get back together. Passion isn’t always a bad thing but you need something to balance it out.

In many movies like The Notebook one party even gives up the healthy and stable relationship they’re already in for passion. Allie leaves her stand up, successful, handsome, fiance who treats her well for her first love. A guy who’s become a grizzly bearded hermit who just hammers his life away, and treats the woman he’s currently seeing with little more than indifference. When you look at it on paper some might say she fucked up. This leads us to our next point…

4. Settling is a Bad Thing

Maybe I wouldn’t say Allie in The Notebook would have been settling for James Marsden the guy is clearly a catch.

I'd argue out off all the X-Men he'd make the best boyfriend.
He’d be the best boyfriend of all the X-Men

I also don’t mean to say you should always settle for whatever person will have you. You should definitely have standards. What I mean to say is that these days people expect too damn much of their romantic partners. Everyone wants the perfect mate but people aren’t perfect. You’ll never meet someone who checks all your criteria of everything you’ve every wanted in a man/woman. If by some chance you do find this person you better expect to find one big flaw in their character, like being a cyborg with a taste for human blood or thinking anything Adam Sandler has put out in the last decade is funny.

Everyone has deal breakers sure, for example mine are having no sense of humour, a history of torturing animals, or spoiling tv shows for fun. As reasonable as that all is I also have a friend who has a strict no bum-chins rule. As absurd as that sounds I am 100% serious. We were watching Mean Girls and she couldn’t even concede to Aaron Samuels being a stone fox because of his cleft chin.

Sexy smirk, Swimmers body, butt on face. 2/10 Would Not Bang.

You can’t order romantic partners out of a catalog so until that day you better be willing to compromise on the way they wear their hair and to what degree they enjoy video games unless you’re cool being alone forever.

3. The Opinions of Your Family and Friends Don’t Matter

There is nothing movie goers like better from their love stories than leaving the theatre believing that love concurs all. Love conquers social class, wars, and the Great Evil that threatens to burn up the earth every 5,000 years despite everything your parents may have to say about your new beau. Love conquers all bitch.

I was six and even I rolled my eyes at that ending.
I was six and even I rolled my eyes at that ending.

In movies it’s not unusual for one or both lovers friends or family to try and get in the way of the budding relationship. You’re best friend just doesn’t understand what you two have. They’re being judgemental. You’re parents think they’re  too old for you or too irresponsible but age is nothing but a number they just don’t see the depth and sensitivity you see in all those hours spent earning achievements on COD.

Every successful campaign brings us closer together.
Every successful campaign brings us closer together.

In some movies the couples friends and families have perfectly valid reasons for why the couple shouldn’t be together but who cares? It’s True Love. For example in Twilight almost everyone warns Bella against being involved with Edward and it’s hard to say they’re wrong considering he’s a blood sucking 90 something year old who can barely contain himself from eating her and that’s before you take into account his demand to control her life.

She needs me! I'm the only one who understands how incompetent she is at running her own life!
She needs me! I’m the only one who understands how incompetent she is at running her own life!

Not letting someone else’s opinion influence your own about other people can be a good thing. Just because your dad doesn’t like your new boyfriend that doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy. It could just mean dad doesn’t like the idea of anybody giving it to his little girl. If one of your friends doesn’t like your new girlfriend it might be because she’s cutting into your bro chill time and they need to adjust.

However, if you have multiple or all people telling you that they don’t like your main squeeze then maybe you need to take some time to reflect on why that may be. Is it because they treat you poorly? Is it because they have bigoted political views? Is it because they lack basic hygiene? Maybe they just have a shitty attitude and needed to be slapped more as a kid. Are you really going to pick the person who charmed you out of your pants over the people who’ve had your back for years?

Let me put it this way: If one person tells you there’s a giant serpentine monster attacking the city your first response is gonna, be “No there isn’t. You’re full of shit buddy”, and you’d be right to say so and promptly continue on with your day without a worry. If a second person tells you a reptilian fiend has levelled all of downtown and is demanding the liberation of all chickens you still wouldn’t be wrong to believe that maybe this is an elaborate ruse or that person number one found a gullible moron in person number two. You tell them “Yeah, fucking, right. What do you think, I’m an idiot?” and once again continue on with your scrap booking or whatever it is people do for fun. If you later turn on the news and the anchor is reporting a story about a rampaging Basilisk that’s taken over control of the city and proclaimed itself your scaly overlord and that every Thursday from here on out is wacky hat day than how much longer can you deny it?

Wizards are notoriously forgetful when it comes to closing chamber doors.
Wizards are notoriously forgetful when it comes to closing chamber doors.

As crazy as it might seem if all your friends and family have something bad to say about your main squeeze then they might not be such a great person for you to be with.

(Also, shout out to anyone who got the basilisk/chicken thing without needing to ask google. You’re amazing is what you are.)

2. You Should Be Willing To Sacrifice Everything For Love and Vice Versa

Self sacrifice is the ultimate test of true love is it not? If you love someone then you’re willing to put their needs before your own. That’s why I don’t eat meat. I love animals and I’m willing to sacrifice enjoying a delicious steak for them and for me this is entirely reasonable. Sacrificing small things for your significant other is perfectly fine and even a considerate thing to do.

If you smoke and they can’t stand it so you smoke outside or maybe even decide to quit than that’s the good kind of sacrifice. There’s a Star Wars Marathon at your friend’s place this weekend that you’ve been looking forward too but you partner also has an important work function they want you to come with them to is also an acceptable sacrifice.

Star-Wars
But only just barely.

In movies however there seems to be this ideology that you should be willing to give up everything and anything for your new relationship to work out no matter how much that’s asking of you.

For men they’re usually asked to give up their lifestyle. This is usually because the male protagonists of romantic comedies these days are all portrayed as loveable slackers who need a woman to springboard them into adulthood which is a whole other issue in and of itself. If you feel you need to get your shit together gentlemen you do not need the love of a woman to do so.

You're a handsome independent man. You don't need a woman.
You don’t need a (wo)man to make it happen.  You don’t need a (wo)man to make you feel good. — Yes, those are Pussycat Doll Lyrics.

Just think of any Judd Apatow movie you’ve ever seen. In the romantic comedy world it doesn’t matter how happy Seth Rogan is in his life, once he meets a woman he needs to change himself. There’s nothing wrong with a new relationship being the catalyst for wanting to better yourself or up your ambitions but in Hollywood it often amounts to giving up on (albeit often ridiculous) dreams or your inner-child to do boring grown up things. Do you need a real job and to learn responsibility? Yes. That doesn’t mean you have to give up your weird hobbies or quirks to appear more acceptable in your partner’s world.

On the flip side women in romantic comedies get exactly the opposite. A career driven female protagonist who learns that she needs to stop focusing on all that making a name for herself stuff and be content starting a life as a wife and mother lest she die alone. Whether she’s starting out and trying to build her career or at the top of a major company she needs to learn having a boyfriend is way more important than being self reliant and powerful because apparently you can’t be in a position of power without becoming a total dragon lady.

The power to breath fire comes with the promotion.
The power to breath fire comes with the promotion.

The key is balance and compromise. No one who loves you should ask you to give up something important to you.

1. Never Give Up

In love things sometimes get rocky, but you have to hang in there. If you loose the love of your life you have to do everything in your power and some things that aren’t in order to win them back. Surely your commitment to your relationship and perseverance will convince your ex that you’re meant to be together?

What a load a hepatitis ridden crap. Quitters never prosper but neither do the people that spend their lives flogging a dead horse.

This will make them realize what a catch I am for sure!

Sometimes you have to know when to let go and walk away from something, especially a relationship. Just like everyone can’t have the build of Rambo not every couple can work out it’s statistically improbable. Just look at divorce rates.

If someone breaks up with you and you try to sit them down and convince them to try and work it out that’s one thing but if you follow them around, repeatedly partake in grand gestures, and sabotage their new relationships than you’re officially in stalker territory. Sometimes when a relationship is over it’s just that: over. Same goes for trying to woo a crush who is out of your league, already attached, or just flat out not interested.

"No" means "Later" right?
My love for you grows stronger with every blatant rejection.

You can’t convince someone to love you back. I’d say the magic number for rejections is 3 before you need to accept it and move the fuck on.

4 Movies That Actually Should Be Remade

Hollywood has made it abundantly clear that they’re involved in a whirlwind affair with the remake. Unfortunately this affair is less than healthy and often down right dysfunctional. If Hollywood and remakes were a married couple the audience would take the part of the neglected and mistreated children who ultimately suffer the most from this misguided union.

It’s not necessarily remakes as a notion that are the problem so much as it is the films that Hollywood chooses to apply them too. There are simply some movies that were just too damn perfect in their original incantation to be tampered with, so when studio executives ignore common sense and common decency, we get pissed.

NOBODY ASKED FOR THIS!
NOBODY ASKED FOR THIS!

There are however movies out there that actually could benefit from a reboot. I’m talking about movies with interesting concepts that got lost somewhere along the way. What if instead of remaking beloved classics Hollywood turned it’s sights on properties with squandered potential? What if they took movies based on great ideas and compelling themes that suffered from poor execution and revamped them? Here are 4 movie remakes that should happen.

Percy Jackson And The Olympians: The Lightning Thief

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This entry is a little bit of a childhood fan fulfilment on my part. I picked up The Lightening Thief in the 6th grade as a young greek mythology buff, I was kind of a weird kid, and was delighted by Rick Riodan’s affectionate and funny series about a young demigod in a modern world. Anyone whose read the books or hasn’t read the books will tell you the current film and it’s sequel are a steaming pile of chimera shit. Not only do they not function as film adaptions of a popular children’s series but they don’t function at all.

Sean Bean didn't even die.

The plots are mangled and predictable, characters are changed and often forgotten, motives make little sense as result of these changes, and all the humour and charm of the source material is null and void. The novels are appropriately silly because greek mythology is silly. Riodan knows they’re silly. The fans know they’re silly. The characters know they’re silly. Somehow Fox wasn’t quite in on the joke and interpreted the book as an excuse to string together visual effects and action sequences.

Percy Jackson was supposed to be the next Harry Potter. That’s what the studios were banking on. Unfortunately they completely forgot about everything that made Harry Potter such a success. Yes, there are changes from book to screen and yes the books are better but the movies show a genuine love and respect for the books. Sure they eliminated side plots and every detail of the wizarding world didn’t make it in but never were the books so utterly mutilated, dumbed down and drained of spirit as Fox’s version of Percy Jackson. Don’t even get me started on how mangled the mythology is.

We're all just going to ignore that Persaphone is hanging out in the underworld during the summer?
So we’re all just going to ignore Persephone is hanging out in the underworld… during the summer? You know, the only time she’s allowed to fucking leave.

Even if you detach it from the novels it’s based on like anyone unfamiliar with the series entering the theatre all you’re getting from The Lightening Thief is some mild entertainment, the plot is all over the place and there’s really little to no character development to speak of. If you hadn’t read the books you probably spent more time being confused than amused as they race from plot point to plot point without ever giving much explanation.

If we could get an adaption of The Lightening Thief that actually followed and respected the series with all it’s quirky charm that would be great.


Push

 

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I might be the last person on the earth that remembers 2009’s Push. I’ll give you a moment to run to google to refresh your memory….

Remember now? Good. Say what you want about Push, but I actually kind of liked it. It’s stylish, conceptually interesting, and has some pretty stellar action scenes. Sure there were more than a few plot holes and character development was a little lacking in places but that wasn’t the real issue with Push. The real issue seems to be when it came down to the final product/draft they set their sights too low.

If you look at the initial premise it actually reads pretty badass on paper:

There are people with psychic abilities that range from telekinesis to precognition to brain scrambling death screams. In this world a powerful and shady international organization called The Division hunts down these super-powered people in order to run experiments in hopes of creating super soldiers. Our protagonist is a telekinetic or “mover” who’s father was taken by The Division when he was a child and now, all grown up, is hiding out in Hong Kong where he fails to cheat at gambling and is generally kind of a loser until a young girl who can see the future finds him and tells him he plays an integral part in taking down The Division.

That or she just has a really twisted sense of humour.
That or she just has a really twisted sense of humour.

The key to destroying Division is a woman who’s escaped experimentation with extremely powerful mind control abilities, a “pusher” only they aren’t the only ones who want her. Personally I think there’s gold in this here mine and DC imprint WildStorm must have thought so too if they made a comic prequel to lead into the film release.

By "gold" I mean money and by "mine" I mean geeks.
By “gold” I mean money and by “mine” I mean geek’s bank accounts.

The first act is actually pretty decent. The problems start when the plot shifts from a mission to shut down the Division into a three way race to find a suitcase containing a psychic steroid that we never really understand the importance of and ends with what feels like little pay off.

Forget the formula, get rid of the former love interest angle between the protagonist and pusher and drop Camilla Belle from the cast in favour of an infiltration and take down of The Division and you’re on your way to a pretty sweet ass movie. I mean seriously, how did she manage to have no chemistry with Chris Evans? Has she not seen the guy?

Even that flower can barely contain all it's chemistry with him.
Even that flower can hardly contain all it’s chemistry with him.

 

Flatliners

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Fucking Flatliners. How could an idea as universally captivating and near perfect be as boring and askew as Flatliners? Is there anything Schumacher can’t ruin? The whole premise of the movie is a mystery that has baffled and inspired human beings since pretty much ever. What happens when you die? If you haven’t seen it here’s a quick synopsis: A group of medical students sets out to discover what lies beyond death by essentially killing themselves then using their skills to bring themselves back.

What waits for you in death? Guilt induced PTSD apparently. You get to relive your greatest mistakes and be tortured by flashbacks and hallucinations that may not be hallucinations. That’s pretty much as deep as the philosophical exploration goes. The pacing is terrible and the plot seems unstructured and redundant. You sit through five scenes of resuscitation that somehow manage to become less intense as they do despite higher stakes.

If they'd just let him lie the movie could have been vastly improved.
By the end you’re actually hoping Kiefer Sutherland won’t wake up.

The film also suffers from a lack of likeable characters. Kiefer Sutherland is a real prick in this movie, and whichever Baldwin that was is such a sleaze. Julia Roberts is one of the only bearable people in this movie and she’s forced to spend the majority of the running time defending her right to participate and dodging the advances of the rest of the cast. Even when she gets to go under she doesn’t get to grow as a person for revisiting her past sins, she gets to be the victim of a childhood drama. And then there’s poor Kevin Bacon who no one listens to despite his position as the voice of reason.

Flatliners_35567_Medium
To be fair who among us would trust the word of a man with that hair?

However Flatliner’s biggest downfall is that it never really knows what it wants to be. It tries to be a psychological thriller, a ghost story, a philosophical drama of redemption, and a cautionary tale of hubris all at once and as a result succeeds at nothing. The script is even sprinkled with bad jokes as if to save it from taking itself to seriously which also fails. Had they just picked an angle to work at and ran with a consistent tone it would have been alright. The premise would make for an intense psychological thriller, a great horror film, or even a witty, and insightful black comedy.

The Black Dahlia

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I remember seeing trailers for The Black Dahlia way back in 2006. I wanted to see it so bad. At some point in my early adolescence I’d made the departure from greek mythology in favour of old movies on TCM and murder cases, so this appealed to me on so many levels. I was like 12 so I didn’t get to see it in theatres but in the months leading up to it’s release I’d watched a few documentaries on the real murder and I was eventually able to make my mom rent it on pay per view for me. To be honest I don’t really remember how I felt about it the first time I saw it. I liked it I guess. 12 year olds are easily won over. It was years later when I caught it on TV that I realized it was kind of a crappy movie with some pretty shitty performances from what should have been an incredible cast.

I started out wondering whatever happened to Josh Hartnett and by the end of the movie Id figured it out.
I started out wondering whatever happened to Josh Hartnett and by the end I realized I didn’t care.

In looks and tone of Brian De Palma’s film are great but it doesn’t offer much else beyond the glamourous sets and some inspired cinematography. It’s shallow. After the first two acts being little else than fuzzy details the last twenty minutes are a mad rush of plot reveals and twists thrown at you with increasing frequency. The events don’t unfold they bash you over the head.The dialog unnatural and the progression from scene to scene feels awkward and forced. It’s a terribly convoluted mess that relies on genre cliches and the allure of it’s topic. And it’s a shame because it’s a really interesting topic.

And I dont mean Scarlett Johansson looking fucking fabulous.
And I don’t mean Scarlett Johansson looking fucking fabulous.

An old school Noir farce about a detective trying to solve one of Hollywood’s most infamous, and true, unsolved murders. Elizabeth Short, a young, troubled, aspiring actress who was found mutilated and cut in two in the City of Angels in 1947. A murder with multiple suspects that still eludes many an arm chair detective to this day. With years of speculation, contradicting rumours, and a best selling novel at it’s heart the story is ripe with possibilities for a compelling and twisted ‘Who Dun It?’ with a side of a detective’s downward spiral into all consuming obsession.

And in the end it was Orson Welles all along.
At the end we find out Orson Welles did it.