Your Children Are Not People

It’s not a secret to anyone who knows me I’m not a big fan of kids. I don’t want any kids. I don’t want to hang out with other peoples kids. I don’t want to have to listen to temper tantrums made by kids in the Walmart check out line. I don’t like kids.

There are only four exceptions to this rule: my seven year old niece, Hit Girl, Arya Stark, and Elijah Wood.


(He’s likewhat? 14?)

So unless you’re a total pint sized, gun toting, sword wielding, one ring destroying badass I have zero tolerance for your shit.

I know what you’re thinking, “Why do you hate kids so much Elle?”, let me inform you.

1. They possess the ability to destroy your vagina. These little bastards have no remorse for desecrating the sacred temple that nurtured them for nine uncomfortable months.

2. They smell. Bad. These things are notorious for their resistance to personal hygiene.

3.  They’re needy. Like a super clingy girlfriend that you can’t break up with because she shares your chromosomes but without any of the crazy sex benefits. I hope.

4. They don’t understand anything. Having an intelligent discussion with them is completely out of the question as well as rational negotiation.

5. They can’t do shit for themselves. You’re pretty much confined to 18 years of servitude as their legally bound slaves, stuck at home reading bedtime stories and watching ‘Treehouse’ while the other free peoples of the world enjoy their child and responsibility free lives.

6.  They’re a bunch of pussies that whine and cry over every damn thing from scraping their knee to being ‘it’ in tag.

7. They’re expensive as HELL. They eat up all your hard earned money figuratively. Some kids literally.

8. They make messes and break your shit.

9. They’re noses leak.

10. They need you to wipe their asses for them for a solid 3-5 years…

The list goes on and fucking on. Kids are just fucking gross man.


  (Just look at it’s disgusting little face.)

However the most prominent reason for my aversion to children is because they’re not people. 

Thats right, I said it.  Why do you think we don’t give kids the right to vote? Because unlike the rest of us they don’t qualify as ‘peoples’. Kids don’t have any of the rights we all hold so near and dear. No freedom of religion or belief, no right to free speech, no right to hold office, no right to do jager-bombs till they can’t stand, or right to surf the internet without child protection software.


    (Sorry Sally, looks like you’ll have to find your porn fix elsewhere.)

And why don’t we care that kids aren’t allowed these basic human rights? Because They aren’t people. They’re more like domesticated human shaped pets. Domesticated human shaped pets too stupid to avoid sharp corners and roaring flames. Who don’t understand stuff like compassion, sympathy, or that doing bad things to other people is just a dick move.

It’s not until they learn to wise the fuck up and hide their black little hearts and sick desires like the rest of us that they’re allotted to join the adults.

Beverly Hilton Hotel

  (Or you know, society just gives up.)

And my final reason for my distaste towards children. Eventually they all turn into people. If there’s anything in the world that irritates me more than children, it’s people.

5 thoughts on “Your Children Are Not People

  1. Nikki Peters September 11, 2013 / 1:06 am

    Another woman who dislikes the little buggers as much as me! And to think, people called me weird. Pleased I’m not alone on this one! This was an excellent and hilarious article.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oladebu August 17, 2014 / 10:24 am

    This was HILARIOUS!!! #1 and 6 were my favorite hahahaha…. & I have two of “those things” & Yes, loved every bit of this read ;~)


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