Passing Judgment

These days passing judgement is largely frowned upon despite how useful your judgemental nature actually is in scenarios that really could save your life. Does that bear look stronger than me? Does that meat smell diseased? Can I trust the opinion of someone who thinks The Big Bang Theory is funnier than Community?  The answer to that last question was no by the way.

We all know Blossom’s been the only funny thing about that show for years.

Everyone always says they don’t judge people, because judging people is wrong. I’m hear to say otherwise. Fuck being politically correct! I judge people. I judge people often and in most cases I see nothing wrong with that. I can’t help but judge people. I see the way someone is dressed and my mind jumps to conclusions about them without actively trying. It’s a fundamental part of how the brain works. I’m a judgmental asshole and so are you. The only difference is you pretend not to be.

I find you guilty on charges of hypocrisy!

I try not to judge people by race, sexual orientation, gender or anything they can’t control. Ok, maybe I’m a little slack when it comes to race. I can’t help it if I’ve noticed that asian people have no problem returning anything and everything no matter how few quarters it cost them. like that one lady who returned a toothbrush that she bought last week that cost her 99cents. Or that other woman for whom an extra 20cents on a bottle of moisturizer was a deal breaker. This definitely leads me to think that eastern culture tends to be a little on the cheap side. Don’t look at me like that. They’re the once perpetuating the stereotype not me, I’m just an observer.

And what I’ve observed is people trying to get a discount for a dent in a can of tuna. True story.

I try to judge people based on their behaviour and I deem this fair. If you make a scene in a public place I’m going to assume you’re emotional. If you take the time to pass a homeless man some change I’m going to assume you’re a pretty decent human being, and If you litter without remorse I’m going to assume you immigrated here from Mordor. Totally fair.

I know I’m stereotyping again but orcs don’t give a SHIT about the environment.

I admit I can be prone to making some more elaborate judgements based on things far more subtle than that crazy black guy down on Granville who’s always sing-song shouting about Jesus but that doesn’t mean they aren’t right. For instance:

1. If you come into my work and only buy a large bottle of mouthwash I automatically assume you’re drinking it to get drunk. Same goes if you buy mouthwash frequently. Picking up the original flavoured mouthwash doesn’t bode well either. It’s hilariously sad how common this actually is.

You can try to fancy it up all you like buddy, but I can smell the mint on your breath.

2. If you comment on my blog from your youporn account I’m going to think two things, 1) you’re very comfortable with your porn viewing and probably your sexuality and 2) you’re probably fapping while reading my blog. For me this is a little flattering, but this doesn’t say much about you as most of my posts are decidedly unsexy.

Oh baby, I love it when you make jokes about your roommate’s unkept vagina and how long it’s been since you’ve last shaved your legs.

3. If you “don’t watch tv” I figure you’re most likely a pretentious douche. Have you seen tv lately? That shit is amazing. At the very least you don’t even watch the news? Come on.

4. If you tell me you’ve never masturbated you’re sexually repressed. As I always say there are only two kinds of people in this world: people who masturbate and liars.

5. If you’re an international student I am going to go ahead and assume you pay for everything with your parents Mastercard.

6. If you haven’t seen Fight Club than I know you are not yet a man. If you saw Fight Club and didn’t get it I know you never really will be.

7. If you say things like “Kate Middleton is the best thing that’s ever happened to England” I’m going to deduce that you failed grade twelve history. I think things like the Magna Carta, The Slavery Abolition Act, and the National Health Service may have done more for England than the Duchess of Cambridge.

If we’re talking about style she’s got nothing on Winston Churchill.

8. If you buy pricy gluten free foods but don’t have celiac disease then you’re a grossly misinformed health nut with malfunctioning taste buds.

9. If you’re a self described “artist” than you probably don’t spend a whole lot of time in the real world. Telling people you’re an “artist” is a euphemism for being a creatively driven loser who doesn’t think they should have to work. Do you get paid to produce this art? If you answered no than you’re not an artist. You’re a barista/student who dreams of being an artist.

Except for this barista who is in fact an artist.

10. If you quote scripture in everyday conversation then I’m pretty damn sure you’re someone I don’t want to spend a whole lot of time with.

11. If you order decaf or a non-coffee beverage at a coffee shop I question your motives as a person. You’re clearly an anarchist because what the fuck is the point of going to Starbucks if you want a smoothie?

Some men just want to watch the world burn.

Are there not places that specialize in smoothies where you can go? Why order a caffeinated beverage without caffein? That’s like ordering a cheeseburger and asking the server to hold the burger. You don’t want a cheeseburger, you want a grilled cheese sandwich. Just like you don’t want a coffee you want tea.

What the fuck is this shit?