3 Insane Things Who’s Existence is As Reasonable As God’s

I’ve realized I’ve somehow managed to make it 41 posts without tackling the topic of religion. I have no idea how that happened seeing as one of my favourite things to do is poke holes in flimsy methods of reasoning.

I jest! But really, I am an atheist. Most of my issues with religion are less on the beliefs and more about the institutions that preach them. Many religious figure heads and organizations abuse their power and influence and that shit is not cool. Encouraging hatred of other groups is not cool. Repressing and shaming people is not cool. Restricting the rights of women is not cool. Scaring children is not cool. Most of all showing up at my door at 10am on my day off to tell me the word of God is not cool.

Someone hasn't heard the good news. Atheists can go to heaven now.
Someone hasn’t heard the good news. Atheists can go to heaven now.

That being said I can’t grasp why people believe the things they do, but I believe that it is their right to believe them in spite of whether or not I can understand their reasoning for doing so. For instance I don’t understand how any theology has the right to call another crazy. From my stance you’re all on a pretty equal playing field even if there is a slight raise in altitude where the Scientologists and Mormons are standing. From where I am you’re all kinda nuts.

As for my thoughts on Jesus, he sounds like he was a pretty awesome guy and I wont dispute his existence. His divinity however is a completely different matter. I like to think of him as more of a philosopher with some pretty sweet messages about everyone learning to get along, embracing peace and love, and all that other nice hippy shit. An ancient jewish John Lennon if you will but without all the douchiness.

And weed. Weed helps with the love bit.
And weed. Weed helps with the love bit. And making fun of Ringo Star. Gotta have that.

Now that I’ve given a little disclaimer so as to calm the flames headed my way lets get a little silly with this. Remember it’s blasphemy for comedy’s sake so chill the fuck out.

No one likes a 'takes themselves to seriously Stacy'.
No one likes a ‘takes themselves to seriously Stacy’.

For thousands of years people have participated in strange and often painfully dull traditions for the sake of faith. They’ve started wars over clashing theologies and ostracized each other for having different interpretations of the same book. At the heart of this strife is a belief in an omniscient being who supposedly controls every aspect of our lives and demands we reframe from things like revenge, inflammatory language, sex, and I guess drawing anything that lives in the sea? Pretty much all the fun stuff.


Now, I could go on about all the things that are wrong with religion and how my personal belief that the events of The Terminator universe will one day come to pass makes more sense than Noah’s Ark but where’s the point in that? That sentence said all there is to say right there. How about we examine some of the more kooky and enduring beliefs that most people with common sense look down upon. If God can exist why can’t…

3. Extraterrestrial Visitors
Now, I’m not saying the existence of other intergalactic lifeforms is unreasonable. We exist right? Chances are somewhere out there in that vast expanse of stars, nebulas, nothingness and all those other things that make writing this seem insignificant there has to be at least ONE other planet able to sustain intelligent life right?

Maybe Intelligent wasn't the right word.
Maybe Intelligent wasn’t the right word.

Why not? An alien species could definitely be out there somewhere but the idea that we may ever get to meet that intelligent life is way more unlikely than the chance that it’s out there. First of all we have to assume that they’re evolved enough to have the kind of technology to interact with and find us. You have to consider that we may be the more advanced race and that they may still be in relatively primitive stages. For the sake of argument lets say they’ve got Star Trek level advancements.

They’d also have to exist during the same time frame as us which in itself seems ridiculously unlikely considering our relatively new existence. Their society could have collapsed thousands or millions of years before we even started walking on two feet or vice versa. Lets say we can over come those odds. Now you also have to assume that these significantly more advanced life forms would have any interest in us or would view us as intelligent beings when our level of intellect is probably on par with their alien equivalent of a domesticated turkey. We all know how much we value the opinions of turkeys.

Tell us more oh wise and delicious one.
Tell us more, o’ wise and delicious one.

Even if they did recognize us as intelligent after seeing what we do to each other, other species, and our planet would they still want to have anything to do with us?

All in all we would have to overcome some pretty extreme odds in order to join any kind of intergalactic community but unlikely isn’t the same as impossible. UFO sightings are reported daily and numerous people around the world genuinely believe they’ve been victims of alien abduction.

That's some alien sex hair if I've ever seen it.
That’s some alien sex hair if I’ve ever seen it.

I personally know someone who’s core belief system in regards to our existence is that we’re the products of manipulation by an alien species. When I talk to her about it everything boils down to the same damn argument in favour of God: I can’t offer an exact origin with science and I can’t disprove the existence of alien life so how can I say for sure that she’s wrong?

At the end of the day, is getting probed by some little green men really more hard to believe than a bodiless man in the clouds who created our universe with a wave of his not really there hand?

2. Bigfoot 
As a kid I 100% believed in Bigfoot. I was convinced that the idea of a massive hairy humanoid wandering the wilderness was perfectly logical, and in many ways typing it now it still seems reasonable, you know, if you forget about the part where we have yet to find any indisputable proof. Other than all those foot prints planted by people for attention that is.

With the art project I'll finally win my fathers approval.
With this art project I’ll finally win my fathers approval.

He’s just shy you know? Misunderstood. He’s not a blood thirsty monster from The Legend of Boggy Creek he’s just as afraid of us as we are of him but with enough sense not to go looking for us. He’s like a hermit. He lives off the grid and that’s the way he likes it. That’s what’s up with all the strategically placed boulders. He wants to be left alone. He’s a gentle giant at heart.

The primarily basis for my views on BigFoot is this movie.
My primary source of Bigfoot research is repeat viewings of this movie.

There’s a whole lot of doubt though. The older I get the harder it is for me to believe in Sasquatch which is something it does have in common with religion. The more hoaxes people try to pull, and the longer we go with never managing a decent photo in an age where everyone’s cell phone has at least a 5mp camera, it just seems hard to swallow.

But that doesn’t stop reports of sitings, recordings of strange noises, weird nests in the woods made from high snapped branches, and unexplained hairs from popping up.

Scientists are finding new species all the time, yes they’re usually insects, frogs, fish and other small shit but if Bigfoot is an intelligent species they could be able to get by relatively undetected despite his size. Hell a few of those sightings might actually be legit and not bears or an asshole in a suit. After all we’ve only known about mountain gorillas since 1902.

To say they were non to impressed by our late arrival would be an understatement.
To say they were not to impressed by our late arrival would be an understatement.

There are lots of theories about what Bigfoot may be. A species of ape, A missing link in our evolutionary chain, or apparently (and somewhat ironically in this post’s case) the descendants of a biblical figure. I shit you not. Please follow that link. It’s a fucking spectacularly bat shit crazy theory and I want so bad for it to be true that I may have to convert.

Lo and behold, Saint Sasquatch.
Lo and behold the biblical Sasquatch.

If you’re too lazy too I’ll sum it up for you. I’ve read at least 4 different sites articles on this theory and this is what I’ve gathered: The whole thing revolves around the idea that Jacob’s freakishly hairy brother Esau is the first Sasquatch. He’s insanely large and hairy, he smells bad, he spends his time hunting and sleeping outdoors, he lets out a bitter cry unlike anything else, and after being royally fucked out of his inheritance by his brother and conniving mother he goes off to live in the mountains. The missionaries passing off pamphlets should lead with that.

1. Fucking Unicorns

I’m not gonna lie, I’m still holding out for this one. I don’t mean those pussy unicorns your kid sister has plastered on her walls I mean the majestic and undeniably badass creatures of legend. First of all it’s a creature that’s primarily horse. Horses themselves are pretty sweet ass animals that can do some serious damage if provoked. Then you add a sharp ass magic fucking horn and you’re already in the realm of “don’t fuck with that thing” on top of that you’ve got a lions tale and you have one tough whimsical mother-fucking beast. If you doubt the validity of the unicorns status as the Chuck Norris of the mythical world consider this: according to legend a unicorn stopped Genghis Kahn from conquering India by nearly making him shit his pants in fear using only unresolved daddy issues.

Genghis Khan's only two weaknesses were unicorns and Twinkies.
Genghis Khan’s only two weaknesses were unicorns and twinkies.

Now that that’s settled, as silly as the notion of a horse with a face boner frolicking around may seem, there have been recorded legends of unicorns dating back to 2900 BC China and spread across multiple cultures such as ancient Greece, Persia, Germany, and Japan, . They’re even mentioned nine times in The Bible and as any religious person will tell you the bible is nothing if not a key piece of historical and indisputable evidence. The Bible implies unicorns are as well accepted and common as peacock, lions, and goats.

Hell, in medieval Europe the unicorn pretty much was Jesus, what with their divine purity, wisdom, power and affinity for virgins. In a lot of medieval art Jesus is depicted as a unicorn because if you were God and could take any form you wanted why would you ever be anything but a unicorn? Since one of Jesus’s forms is a unicorn If you’re a true Christian you are therefore obligated to believe in unicorns.

Dismiss the unicorn and you're dismissing Jesus.
To dismiss the unicorn is to dismiss Christ our Lord and Saviour.

After being hunted through ancient times and medieval Europe of course Unicorns wouldn’t be thrilled about letting us know whatever few of them that are still around exist. Look what we’ve done to their one horned comrades the rhinos! They’re nearly extinct and their horn isn’t even a medical cure all with protective powers. These are pure creatures who relate to virgins I think it’s fair to say there’s next to no unicorn sex happening so it’s likely our ancestors would have hunted them to near extinction.

And that's all before including that red asshole driving them into the sea.
And that’s all before including that Red Bull dickwad driving them into the sea.

Luckily they’re immortal so with the impossibility of them dying of old age there’s still hope that they’re out there somewhere. Hiding from, but never hating, the race that killed their kin and now their memory… They’re above that.

Maybe it’s way too suspicious to buy into Bigfoot or aliens existing without our finding out with all our modern technology but Unicorn hold a trump card. Magic. As Harry Potter taught us all muggle technology is absolute rubbish at picking up on magic so it’s perfectly plausible that they’ve cloaked themselves from all our science. I’m sorry, what’s that? Hypocrisy you say? Nay I say.

Or should I say.... Neigh.
Or should I say, neigh.

The title of this article is ‘3 Insane Things Who’s Existence Is As Reasonable As God’. God is magical therefore magical creatures are 100% on the table in this discussion, so suck it.

If anyone is interested in questing for these magnificent beasts you can download your Unicorn Hunting License from Lake Superior State University’s website here. Make sure to read the regulations.


9 thoughts on “3 Insane Things Who’s Existence is As Reasonable As God’s

  1. sarahleelopez4377 May 15, 2014 / 10:04 pm

    *applause applause* so well said and pointed out all with a little creative flair. Fabulous post


  2. allthoughtswork May 15, 2014 / 10:18 pm

    First of all, Bigfoot is real. He is a data processor for Nike and I went hiking with him one time up a small volcano. Those size 15s of his solidified my belief in giants. His hair was silver, though, not red and he was a bit of a dork. http://allthoughtsworkoutdoors1.wordpress.com/2006/09/23/skippy-the-wonder-squirrel-vs-the-volcano-9-23-06/

    Second, why settle for unicorns when we have all sorts of bicorns, quadricorns, etc. to choose from? I’m thinking my wish is four times as likely to come true if I spend it on a funky goat beast than some bleached pony. https://www.google.com/search?q=goats+with+four+horns&rlz=1C1VEAD_enUS472US472&espv=2&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=Np11U-e3O4f5oASv-YDYBQ&ved=0CAYQ_AUoAQ&biw=1528&bih=834

    Lastly, regarding Jesus and being an awesome atheist, I recommend watching “The Man From Earth” immediately. It approaches the idea in a fascinating way, complete with joke-cracking scholars, good booze, and the gratuitous nucking futs Christian who whines like a little kid at the thought of the emperor having no clothes. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAarR4tVEHU


    • ellemorgan May 15, 2014 / 11:08 pm

      First, next time you see Joe the Data Crunching Sasquatch get his autograph for me.

      Second, some of those goats are fucking terrifying which is made all the more nerve racking by the fact that I generally like goats.

      Third, I will definitely check it not… but not this day. Soon.


      • allthoughtswork May 15, 2014 / 11:22 pm

        Joe Bigfoot shacked up with some dame on the east side of town immediately after divorcing is wife. I recommend zero worship.

        You’re right, some of those goaty examples are Satan’s lap dogs. Still, I’ll bet they were cute as hell when pint sized and squeezable. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3CWpT010Pc

        The movie is my favorite of all time, then comes Good Will Hunting. Both deserve the best cheap wine money can buy.


  3. bettyperiwinkle May 20, 2014 / 6:44 am

    ‘Horse with a face boner’ is poetic genius. Were you trying to talk me into or out of my atheism? Both seem a possibility! Good stuff!


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