3 Movies That Threw it All Away For Love

Some movies seem willing to let other aspects of their production suffer for the sake of getting their hot leads naked and giving lonely women something to fantasize about. Other aspects like, I don’t know, the fucking plot.

Romance has always been big box office currency. People are suckers for all that true love, star crossed lovers stuff so almost every movie tries to incorporate a romantic dynamic of some sort. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a little smooching between fight scenes or rooting for your two favourite characters to stop being so retarded and just hook up already.

THEY WERE SO CLOSE!

But sometimes the writers get so carried away with the relationship between two characters that it becomes all that movie is about. It’s like when one of your friends starts a new relationship. Suddenly their partner is all they can talk about. They start spending all their time together completely ignorant to everyone else around them. They’re so busy looking into their lover’s eyes that they can’t find two seconds to answer your texts about whether or not they could drive you to the hospital because oh my gosh there’s so much blood…

If there’s some room for a little eye fucking and feelings and it makes sense with the flow of the story then go for it. However, if you’re totally cool with sacrificing interesting plot points and meaningful themes all for the good of true love you aren’t asking for enough as a viewer. Raise you expectations. You can do better.

These are 3 movies that threw away their potential for love.

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3. Beastly

I watched Beastly this past summer at my roommate’s insistence and even she had to admit that the movie would have been so much better had I written it. Seriously. That movie is a piece of shit.

For those who haven’t seen it it’s basically a dumbed down modern take on Beauty And The Beast. That’s right, dumbed down from a children’s movie. We’re off to a great start. Known douchbag Alex Petty-something plays a self obsessed pretty boy (what a stretch) who gets cursed by Mary-Kate Olsen for calling her ugly until he can steal Zack Efron’s ex girlfriend. Yeah. That’s the description I’m going with.

How do I even begin to talk about this sloppy ass movie. Lets start with the make up. What is this crap?

Frankly, I’ve seen uglier babies.

Oh yeah, you totally can’t tell he’s actually a handsome young man. Good job team! Yeah, he has some weird shit on his face but he’s hardly cringe worthy. That shit right there is totally a beauty makeup. He looks more like he paid Mary Mason to have work done than he does the victim of a hideous curse. You want to make a point about how looks shouldn’t matter when it comes to true love? You know what would really drive it home, if your lead actually looked tragically deformed.

Or like a grizzly bear got fucked by The Darkness from Legend.

So right from the get go, we have an unconventionally attractive dude completely undercutting the whole theme of the story. And then as if just to spite me they drop a glimmer of hope into the dismal story line.

The writers needed to come up with an excuse for Kratos to be alone with the brunette from High School Musical and the excuse  they came up with was that Vanessa Hudgen’s father is a drug addict who gets into to trouble with some drug dealers as addicts tend to do, and the dealer’s threaten his daughters life. Shit’s getting real right? You could almost forget how un-beastly he looks.

I’m telling you this happened.

Pettyjerk offers to take her in so he can get a shot at tapping that ass to which her father agrees and sending his daughter to live with the stranger who’s nonsense tattooed and metal implanted appearance suggests he makes poor life choices. And then…

That’s all that happens there. The rest of the movie is the leads talking and connecting and that’s pretty much it. What happened to the guy who’s out to kill her? He ends up in jail somehow, they never really explains what happened. She just gets a text message or some shit letting her know she’s in the clear.

U can go ahead and forget about that drug dealer who’s gonna kill u LOL!

They completely dropped the only mildly interesting thing that’s happened in this movie in place of a montage of the main character building a greenhouse. There’s no scene where she’s in direct danger, no plans made to help save her and her father’s lives no final confrontation with the psycho who wants her dead, all we get is another bullshit confession of love at an airport where he gets to be handsome again, which I too feel kind of undermines the movie’s message seeing as he couldn’t get anywhere near first base till he was pretty again.

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2. Twilight

I confess I’ve never seen any of the Twilight movies. I hope this doesn’t make anyone think any less of me but I did read the first two books in the 8th grade because I was a 13 year old girl in 2006 and that’s just what we did. So even though I haven’t seen it I can guess how it went down and anyway I try to spin it that shit was bad.

Quick summery, a girl with nothing particularly notable about her moves to a small town names after an instrument you use to shovel food into your gob.

So sexy.

A creepy undead older man falls in love with her. She discovers he’s a vampire and the two date. Along the way some things happen in the woods, some less cuddly vampires show up, and later werewolves. I think that’s pretty much it. OH! Also this thing…

Told you I’d seen uglier babies.

Since I have no idea what happened after Bella goes comatose in New Moon other than the disturbing franchise ending I’ve had explained to me we’ll just stick to the first movie for the most part. Cool? Cool.

Twilight is a series about vampires, werewolves, and monsters and somehow all this lead to was a teenage girl going on undead dates and moping around. Honestly, that’s all I got and it’s all I need.

Twilight is a  monster movie that centres almost entirely on romance. The little action that does happen is in the form of the grumpy vampires who kind of get dropped in more than half way through to make it seem as if there was anything resembling a plot kicking around. True Blood has more plot advancement in one episode than the entirty of the series according to what I’ve learned from reading the wikipedia pages for all five movies. The plot synopsis for the first movie is literally two paragraphs long. That’s how much shit actually happens in this movie.

Some movies give away the whole plot in the trailer. Twilight did it with only the poster.

It’s just such a waste of the whole mythology. Even after they add werewolves nothing fucking happens except a damn love triangle with anything vaguely interesting happens in the background.

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1. The Notebook

After refusing for years I was finally backed into a corner and forced to view The Notebook some months back. I figured at the very least I get to gaze at the handsome mug of Ryan “Hey Girl” Gosling.

How does he always know just what to say?

Over all The Notebook is pretty much your standard rich-girl meets poor-boy love story. Boy sees girl. Boy falls for girl. Girl’s parents don’t approve of boy. Boy and girl break up only to reconnect years later right before girl’s about to marry James Marsden. Basic stuff really. But one thing The Notebook has that most movie love stories don’t? The creep factor.

The Notebook has all the makings of a great thriller and had they chosen to run with it it could have been great.  Right off the bat Noah (Gosling) get’s turned down by the object of his affection, Allie, and is only able to get her to agree to go out with him by threatening to throw himself off a ferris wheel. Buddy is clearly a sociopath.

Hey girl, go on a date with me or I’ll kill myself.

There is so much potential for a badass thriller rather than a half decent drama. I mean He takes her dancing in the middle of the street and later takes her to a broken down abandoned house( where I was sure he was going to murder her) so he can take her virginity. No joke. He’s gonna fix up the house and they’re gonna live and die there.

After they break up he still goes about fixing up that creepy house in hopes that she’ll come back even though at that point he had no reason to think she should, all the while writing her a letter “every day for a year”. The film never lingers on any of this shit. It just keeps on going on it’s journey to thunderstorm sex without reflecting on the sheer insanity of it’s male lead.

What about all that rowing around the lake and shit with his newly grown rapist beard?

This is definitely what a man who knows healthy relationships looks like.

He’s probably been manipulating women into relationships with him since she left and dumping their bodies in the lake when they failed to live up to his standard’s as Allie’s replacement. After seven years when she finds herself back in his life could even she live up to the romanticized standards Noah has built up about her teenage self?

Even at the end when it’s revealed they’re the elderly couple narrating the movie how do we know she can’t remember due to alzheimer’s and not out of some self induced defence mechanism to deal with all the years of emotional blackmail and living in constant terror. Hell, maybe it’s a side effect of him keeping her drugged up so she could never leave him.

In the end he wouldn’t even let her die in peace.

Why couldn’t we have seen THAT movie? A tale of a woman’s struggle for survival and a man driven mad by desire. I’d see the shit out of that movie. Someone on youtube has already cut a pretty sweet trailer for the gritty The Notebook reboot I’m requesting.