5 Things I Learned Watching ‘Sons Of Anarchy’

This passed summer during my stint of unemployment I had a lot of spare time on my hands. One of the ways I killed this time was by catching up on my TV viewing. This included watching all 5 seasons of FX’s ‘Son’s of Anarchy’ that were available to me at the time.

Anyone who is prone to binge watch TV series know all about the mental damage it can cause and believe me there was a two solid month period where nearly everything I did and every conversation I had in some why came back to ‘Son’s of Anarchy’. With season 6 having just finished I’ve yet to completely recover. I can feel a round of anxiety setting in. No new episodes till the fall! What will I have to live for?

I can honestly say ‘SOA’ is pretty much my favourite show right now and that’s saying a lot. I watch ‘Game Of Thrones’.

I’ve learned a lot from the resident gang member’s of Charming California and I want to share this wisdom with you, so here are the 5 lessons I learned from watching ‘Son’s of Anarchy’.

(SPOILER ALERT!)

1. Evading the Law Is Surprisingly Easy.

How many RECO cases have these guys deflated now? I don’t even know anymore. SAMCRO has been on the FBI shit list since season one and they’re still operational. Sure they’ve hit a few snags along the way but the best law enforcement has been able to do so far was a 14month jail stint that left enough club members around to keep the garage afloat.

These are guys who have straight up murdered not only rival gang members and crooks, but cops and federal agents and somehow with all of the resources available to a government task force no one has been able to pin anything substantial on them. This leaves us with two options, either these guys are amazing at what they do, or Northern California cops really suck at their jobs.

“We have a shoot out in progress!” – “We don’t have time for gang violence! There’s a cat up in a tree on 6th St.!”

As soon as one government agent bites the dust there’s another to take their place and they never seem to get much further. The American Justice System must be a cesspool of incompetence. What it comes down to is that these people trusted to uphold the moral codes and laws of society are way to susceptible to manipulation. They can be bought off like Unser and Trammel, or temped with career advancing deals that never follow through. Seriously, this past season how many of Patterson’s 6 deals with SAMCRO and it’s associates have gone wrong? All of them.

Even Roosevelt, who is a pretty stand up guy, has just accepted this motorcycle gang as a necessary evil. Don’t they screen for that shit at the academy?

Are you predisposed to bribery or befriending charismatic criminals?

I know it sounds like I’m routing for the authorities and to be honest at first I was. I had a hard time jumping on the ‘fuck tha poh-lice’ bandwagon in season one. Hale was just doing his damned job and his heart really was in the right place. And Agent Stahl? Initially I loved that crazy bitch. How could I not? If Gemma ran off to join the FBI instead of marrying into a motorcycle club she would have been Stahl and if there’s anything I love it’s badass chicks not giving a fuck.

2. Al Bundy is Lucky to be Alive.

Speaking of everyone’s favourite biker queen, no longer can I watch re-runs of Married with Children without the expectance of death hanging over my head. I mean have you seen Katey Sagal’s track record with on screen lovers? It’s not good. And with the things Al says to Peg, I half expect to see Ron Pearlman burst onto the sound stage semi-automatic in hand and start fucking shit up.

It’s just a matter of time.

Not that she couldn’t have taken care of Al herself. She could have easily taken out that uppity bitch Marcy and framed him for it.

3. If You’re a Woman Involved With A Biker Gang You’re Going To Get Fucked (And There’s A Good Chance It Will Be By Jax).

One of the great things about Sons of Anarchy is that it does boast a cast of strong, interesting female characters but man do they have a rough go.

If you’re a woman affiliated with SAMCRO you’re gonna have a bad time.

If you don’t end up dead (Donna, Luann) chances are at some point you’ll be sexually assaulted (Gemma, Lila), end up in jail (Tara, Cherry) and your career is gonna take a major hit. Them’s the rules.

To be fair everyone on this show gets royally screwed, club members especially but the difference is they’re the ones involved with all the illegal activity, they’re the ones taking part in all the gang violence and they’re the ones calling the shots. The women for the most part are left in the dark trying to keep their families safe.

Yet there seems to be a special kind of punishment for any broad who dares love one of these guys. Marrying a member of SAMCRO is pretty much sentencing yourself to a life of suffering and a bloody death. You’ve got daily worries about your man ending up in either a jail cell or a casket, you’ve probably got kids to raise and police questioning you weekly about things you almost never know anything about. And that’s before shit hits the fan. Sure some of them get involved in their own illegal crap, but some of them don’t. Let’s look at our old ladies track records shall we?

Gemma: Raped, beaten, arrested multiple times 2 dead husbands.
Tara: Sustained career ending injury, facing major jail time, and currently loosing her shit.
Wendy: Addicted to drugs resulting in almost loosing her baby, lost custody of son.
Donna: Financially kicked in the ass while husband serves 5 years in prison. Ends up shot in the head.
Luann: Husband in jail, porn studio shut down, ends up beaten to death.
Lila: Slapped around, dead husband, slapped around some more, leave porn for life of prostitution.

And it’s not just the long suffering old ladies who get fucked over it’s almost any woman who appears in more than one episode. As a result of lesson number 1 Agent Stahl’s career takes a huge hit, and once she manages to get it back on track, she gets killed (Not that she didn’t deserve it).

Tristan Oswald: Raped.
Polly Zobelle: Dead.
Amelia Dominguez: Dead.
Agent Tyler: Dead.
Rita Roosevelt: Dead.
Dawn Tragger: Burned Alive.

The list goes on and on…

And if you’re one of the lucky few who don’t end up dead or traumatized for life, you’ve probably had sex with a Teller man, specifically Jax. at least 50% of the characters with vaginas have slept with the guy. Even his illegitimate sister was down to bone him and almost did… BUT every chick we’ve seen hook up with Jax is still alive.

Wendy, Tara, Imma, Trinity, Colette, those two blonde bitches from season 1…

In fact, sleeping with Jackson Teller is probably the only way to make sure that you, as a woman, don’t get murdered on this show.

If you’re sure it’s the only way…

4. Mohawks Are Sexy As HELL

Ok, maybe it’s not so much that Mohawks are sexy (because they really aren’t), as much as it is that I have big fat fangirl crush on Juice for reasons that aren’t entirely clear even to myself.

I think it’s coming to me…

…Aaaaaaaand it’s gone.

I know most of my female friends who watch the show are firmly pinning away for Jax, but as smokin’ hot as Charlie Hunnam is, and he is (may I refer you back to the photo above?), I know true TV love when I see it. Tara is the only old lady for him. Plus I might have a little bit of a thing for Hispanic men. Why? I’m not really sure but It probably has nothing to do with the two dozen times I watched Desperado on cable in my preteen years.

And absolutely nothing to do with Antonio Banderas’ badassery and sex appeal.

Maybe it was his initially light hearted attitude coupled with his almost naive lack of common sense, or the way he would run around with his computer like a dork with that big goofy smile of his… Maybe it’s those puppy dog eyes and the fact that poor Juice just can’t seem to catch a break lately, or maybe it’s that Theo Rossi had a guest starring role in that one episode of Veronica Mars… I don’t know. I just know I love him and I want to do dirty, dirty things to him.

5. Everything You Love Will Die.

Like most quality television shows Son’s of Anarchy has a tendency to kill off it’s characters at what sometimes seems to be an alarming pace. I have grown found of most of everybody on this show but every season Kurt Sutter feels the need to remind me of how unfair life can be and wastes someone I’ve grown to love. It’s become apparently with the growing body counts every season no one is safe. Not Donna, Half-Sack, Piney, Kozik, Filthy Phil or Clay. No one. Last night’s finale was testament to that. Nothing can shock me anymore. Not since that heart breaking and horrific moment in season five.

My naivety and childlike optimism died with Opie Winston.

It’s not for no good reason. It’s to portray a sense of realism. Anybody could die at anytime without warning. Sure, for most people the risk is considerably lower and they probably wont get machine gunned to death, bombed by the IRA or stabbed in the back of the head repeatedly with a cooking fork. For most of us the way we go will be decidable less badass but eventually everything has it’s time: friends, acquaintances, your favourite sweater, that questionable container of cottage cheese in my refrigerator I’m too scared to open, and television characters.