The Eyebrow Epidemic

Now ladies, I’m not sure how many of you have taken note of some new and frightening trends pertaining to eyebrows but I guarantee the men of the world have.

Gentlemen, I know you’ve noticed. I know you’ve been shocked, amazed and appalled by what you’ve seen painted on women’s foreheads.  You’ve been too nice to say anything to your girlfriends, sisters, mothers, and even grandmothers, but fret no longer I’m here to give the message you’ve been too skittish to pass along. I’m here for you my dudes.

Women of the world: What the fuck are you doing to your face? I know not all of you are guilty but there are enough of you with questionable over-eye-hair to keep me up at night.

I’m not talking about the ladies who take some extra time between pluckings. I get it. You’re a busy woman with shit too do and things like eyebrows don’t fall high on your priority list. Though you really should take time. Just saying (I’m looking at YOU Janie).

I’m talking about the women who take special care to make sure their eyebrows look like cartoon mustaches.

Never will you ever pull it off like he does. DAYUM!

This week alone I have seen women with blue eyebrows, square eyebrows, ridiculously high eyebrows, razor thin eyebrows, and entirely painted on eyebrows. I find myself trying not to stare while simultaneously unable to look away…

Was that intentional?

is that some kind of fashion thing?

What?

Why?

How?

…

AHHH!

I honestly cannot guess how many minutes/hours of my life I’ve wasted caught in a gaze of morbid fascination at some girls ill conceived eyebrows. How the fuck did you leave your house thinking orange magic marker was a good look?

Especially after Robert Munsch warned us against such things.

By no means do I find myself to be any kind of style authority.  Normally I’m all for people letting their freak flag fly, you know assuming their freak flag doesn’t include sex with animals or some other sick shit.

Or Surrender.

But when I can’t tell if you just came from some Vulcan cosplay meeting and didn’t have time to finishing taking off your make up then maybe you should reevaluate your look. No ones face caterpillars need that much make up.

YOU HAVEN’T EARNED WHAT HE HAS!

I don’t want you to get the wrong idea or anything ladies. I understand the need to accentuate your fuzzy eye umbrellas. I do. Those things grow in weird. Thin in some places, and a little lower than you feel they should be. I get it. I too make up my eyebrows but the difference is, no one can tell I put make up on my eyebrows. I’ve asked and most people seem genuinely surprised to find out my Lily Collinses aren’t as full bodied as I let on.

Her’s are so full bodied and they get cast all on their own.

I’ve even had my eyebrow mishaps. When I was 16 and first discovered I could put make up on my eyebrows I went a little overboard. Luckily there is no photographic evidence and my mother was quick to set me straight on just how retarded I looked with sharp black eyebrows. I’m not Joan Crawford and I know that now.

I Also went through a flapper faze my last year of high school. My family had recently switched to satellite and my life was forever changed with the introduction of HBO.  This was also the year Boardwalk Empire debuted. I chopped my hair off  (and cried the appropriate amount of time afterward), changed my make up style to a bold smokey eye, and as was the typical flapper fashion plucked my eyebrows into thin arches. It was a questionable choice on my part.

Unfortunately there is photographic evidence of that.

A dramatic brow requires a certain level of finesse only possessed by a select few, and ridiculously fabulous, men. There’s nothing WRONG with looking like a Drag Queen. You know when you are a Drag Queen.

It’s not fair how much prettier they are than me…

Doing up your eyebrows is a delicate art and you need to be careful with that pencil ladies. They’re a facial feature that demands respect. Without them how would you properly express discontent or suggestive thoughts?

I was going to end it there but it wouldn’t be right. I cannot believe that I did a post about eyebrows and didn’t have an opening to talk about Hugo Weaving. The man who’s range of brow expression has awed audiences and critics alike. The man who’s brow raise has brought shame to Mr. Spock himself.  The man who’s furrowed brow has been known to freeze people where they stand under the intensity of it’s barely contained disgruntled rage and impossible slope.  I’ll just leave this here to eradicate my guilt.

Glorious.