It’s been a while. How are you? I feel like we haven’t talked in like 17 days and that’s because that’s how long it’s been since I last posted. I totally suck and I’m totally sorry. Turns out I can’t balance work, social interaction, the internet, and writing but what mere mortal can? I mean have you seen the internet?
It’s an irresistible all consuming black hole of endless knowledge and tits.
What’s new with me, you ask? Nothing fucking much: I worked, I saw Debra Digiovanni (who is fucking HILARIOUS bee tee dubs), I worked, I was Jet Girl for Halloween to compliment my roommate’s Tank Girl, I worked some more, and someone at Marvel Studios totally reads my blog if their newly released phase 3 lineup is anything to go by. Hopefully their adaptions will live up to the synopsis’ I already wrote for them.
I’ll just sit back and wait for marvel to email me about my inevitable screenwriter credit…Should I expect my check in the mail or do I need to set up a paypal?
At the very least they could hire me as a Production Assistant in thanks. I’m punctual, I’m motivated, I have a certificate in Motion Picture Production, I have no delusion about being too good to mop up the gaffer’s sweat puddles, and I order a mean cup of coffee.
But while I wait for Marvel Studios to call me about my new position I have no choice but to keep showing up for my current crappy retail job at a local drug store. This week one of my duties as an employee at one of many stores in a corporate chain, I must fill out my first annual Staff Performance Appraisal Form in order to achieve that $0.25 an hour raise I’ve been so deserving of since I took up the role of supervisor nearly 8 months ago.
For those of you lucky enough to have never had to fill up a Staff Performance Appraisal Form It’s exactly what it sounds like. Your manager gives you a sheet where you rate your performance and write about how you would like to improve (My manager asked for 5 points) which you then fill out with the utmost seriousness and professionalism that can be mustered while only pretending to give a shit. In this case I am opting to answer mine as honestly as possible. I’m currently filling it out from the safe haven of my bathroom as my roommate and I finally gave in and dished out the money for an actual router this week. Having wifi means I can finally surf the internet and post to my hearts content whilst pooping. The wonders of technology never cease to amaze me.
I think everyone has to deal with run ins with jerks, be they friends, acquaintances, or total strangers. Due to the strict murder laws enforced in most countries most of us can only hope that karma is real and these assholes have their own assholes to deal with. Not everyone however is equipped to handle the situation. I personally consider myself something of an expert. I come to you as both someone who has to deal with assholes on a regular basis and someone that is something of an asshole herself. I can be a real bitch. Luckily I’ve chosen to use that power for good as a defender of the polite and likeable.
Time and time again I see my co-workers and complete strangers fold under the imposing pressure of a grade A dip shit who’s using an accidental bump of the shoulder, a mis-marked piece of merchandise, or the wrong number of sugars in their coffee as an excuse to relieve some frustration from their personal lives. Their wife left them for a younger man, or the guy they like has friendzoned them despite the fact that they’re “such a nice girl”; so they’re using your mistake or the mistake of someone around you as a punching bag for their feelings. These people have no right to talk to anyone in such a way much less a total stranger.
There are a few ways to deal with these people. None of these ways are to cry. Tears means they’ve won. Never let them win. One of the key differences in the work place between the higher ups and the foot soldiers is that management doesn’t get hurt feelings, they just get burning rage headaches in the place right behind their eyes.
While we’re establishing guidelines, apologies are also a no-no. Apologies are a sign of weakness and you can’t afford to show anything but the determination and ferocity of a mongolian warlord. Of course if you did fuck up you should definitely say you’re sorry; don’t be a dick. Never apologize for something that isn’t your fault like say a policy. It is however important to be diplomatic. Feel free to utilize my go to response to complaints that are completely out of my hands, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way” – Genghis Khan the the Western Xia Dynasty (probably).
I personally implement five different methods when dealing with pieces of human garbage in my daily life which I will happily share with you now. Each are specific to the place, situation, and the offending party be careful in assessing the situation and choosing a tactic. All methods are intended to be followed up with a cooling down period, a bout of cursing and bitching, and a stiff drink.
Pretend to Involve A Hire Up
The Place: Work.
The Jerk: A high maintenance customer with an inflated sense of self worth and misunderstanding of the word “no”.
The Problem: Unreasonable demands have been made or there is an insistence of non-existing goods or services.
One of the easiest ways to deal with someone who just refuses to bow out gracefully after a mistake of their own is to pass off the blame they’ve placed on you to an imaginary figure head. Maybe this person wants to return used underwear or wants you to get them a medicinal lotion that’s long since been discontinued. Simply excuse yourself to the back or to make a phone call. Pretend to converse with your boss about the matter for an appropriate amount of the time than return and tell them the exact same thing you’ve explained to them three times already. In some cases they may demand to speak to said pretend manager at which point this is no longer your problem anyway. Nice job!
Call Them Out The Place: Pretty much anywhere besides work and maybe school. The Jerk: Mostly friends and family, but out of line strangers are eligible as well. The Problem: Someone is generally acting like an irate asshat towards you or others.
Getting to calling people out when their being a dick is a rare thing but it’s by far the most satisfying way to address the situation. This approach requires lots of guts and few fucks. Most will only use this when their buddy is being a prick or when someone tries to start arguments with them over parking spaces, but I know for me some of my proudest moments are standing up for other people who don’t have the confidence to stand up for themselves or are in service positions and are unable to say anything. You don’t even have to get confrontational with it. Having an outside party step in to tell you to calm the fuck down is usually enough for most people to rein in their rage or attitudes. As much as we don’t like people sticking their nose in other people’s business most of us care about how we look to other people.
Be Unfalteringly Friendly The Place: Work or other public spaces. The Jerk: A stranger or acquaintance with a short temper and little self awareness who may honestly just be having a bad day. The Problem: Overreaction to a minor/imaged slight, or accident.
Be warned the patience level for this technique is advanced. The concept is simply, defuse the explosive asshole by being disgustingly pleasant. No matter what they say or do you cannot react with anything other than a heart warming smile. The method is meant to shame your enemies into seeing the error of their dickish ways by realizing what a nice person you are. If done right you may even end up with a genuine apology.
Tell A Parent The Place: At home, family outings, or holiday festivities. The Jerk:Â Siblings, cousins, and neighbour kids. The Problem: Sharing of goods and services, touching of personal property or stealing of seats.
A tired and true solution that has withstood the test of time. A shout of “MOM!” is sure to stop any wet willies, pillow tossing, or unwarranted channel changes in their tracks. If being told on doesn’t strike fear into your bullying older sibling or annoying little cousin, at the very least they’ll be distracted by your audacity to involve your mother in petty squabbles. Mom or dad will come into mediate the situation at which time it’s important to tell your side of the story first and the loudest in order to gain favour. You’re offender will be apprehended or your parent will simply tell you both to grow the fuck up. Either way any further arguing from your jerkoff relative will not be tolerated.
Resort To Physical Violence The Place: Anywhere. The Jerk: Incorrigible douche-nozzles. The Problem: Appropriate method sited above has been executed and failed.
If all other options have been exhausted please resort to the fail safe procedure:Â punch them in their stupid face. Be mindful of witnesses.
If you’ve been following my blog or even just checking in occasionally you know I work a shitty retail job to keep myself off the streets. Now, because my job is at one location in a corporate chain of misery and cheap labour we have ridiculously inconvenient and inhuman sales and promotions. One of these promotions is Seniors Day. Unlike some events this promotion happens every Thursday of my life.
You already know how I feel about old people. I do have to deal with them on any given shift but Senior’s Day gives them a 20% off incentive to ruin my day. A 20% off incentive that I have to explain to half the senior’s who come in the store.
Where are your handlers?
Apparently for some it’s not good enough that they get a discount on regular priced items but they want even more money off already marked down merchandise. Old people are cheap. An elderly man who’s english was questionable came in to buy paper towels and only paper towels. He asked “Senior Day?” and inquired through a sequence of gestures how much the 6 roll pack was after the discount which was $1.99. He then produces a dollar off coupon and I explain that the discount is only applicable to regular priced items and entering the coupon will cancel out his 20% off. Of course he either doesn’t understand or doesn’t believe me so I have to show. After 5 more minutes of explaining why he can’t have both he tells me he doesn’t want them if it’s for anymore than $0.99.
At one point he tried to barter with a hand full of beans and two sticks of gum.
I’ll repeat similar scenarios 4 more times before closing including one old couple who comes in every week to buy milk which is always on sale and always complains in a less than polite manner about not getting a discount like they did on their other items.
In their defence they do say memory is the first thing to go.
No matter what day it is I have at least a dozen people of all ages who need to be talked through their debit and or credit card transactions because 30 year old technology is hard but that number goes up considerably on Senior’s day. As does the number of people who get their granny panties in a twist over a 5cent charge for a plastic bag. They don’t care if it’s meant as a deterrent to help the environment or that all the proceeds go to charity. The way they see it, “it’s not your place to push our political and moral positions on the public”. I’ve actually had an old guy say that to me. I can see why he doesn’t care about the environment and all the plastic bags overpopulating landfills. He’s gonna die soon. It’s not like he has to deal with the climate change, cluster fuck he’s leaving behind. An old lady once had the audacity to call in to my manager to complain about me for charging her for a plastic bag. She spent 10 minutes yelling at a stranger over the phone all over a nickel. If you don’t want to buy a bag re-use one of the hundreds of bags that are stuffed in your closet at home for fuck’s sake.
There are children in Italy that would love to have your old bags to carry their groceries in.
That’s all pretty typical stuff for any Senior’s Day but yesterday was something special. At my store every Thursday also happens to be an order day so there’s usually extra staff on to help unload the 8 carts of crap that have to go out. This week however one of our manager’s was on vacation so we were already gonna be down one extra person but then someone called in sick and we were terribly understaffed. On a good week as a supervisor I don’t have time to take half my breaks if I want to get anything done but this week I still didn’t manage to get anything done, do to my closing cashier calling me every 5-10 minutes for some reason or another. I get that he’s still fairly new but it has been 2 months and he should be fully capable of replacing receipt paper by now.
Well, I’m stumped.
So since we’re busy as balls and my cashier has no clue how to ring someone through in a timely fashion due to an apparent desire to befriend anyone who approaches his counter I spent most of my shift defusing his line of overheated and therefore cranky customers. He also has a very shallow well of working knowledge about our policies and procedures so if someone had a return, or gift card to top up, or even a question, I had to boomerang my ass back to the registers. Even the simple act of getting change is an ordeal. Before getting change for my own till (which rarely happens when you’re the back up) I explicitly asked if he needed anything to which he said “no”. Of course as soon as I get back he tells me he needs dimes. Once I get him his dimes and find my way back to my cart of vitamins he pages me to tell me he needs fives. Buddy can’t even ask for change right and I had to go back and forth 3 times in 6 minutes.
If I was a Pokemon trainer, he’d be my Psyduck.
I’m so lucky my other co-workers are super studs and completely self reliant or I would have had a shit fit. Not that I didn’t audibly groan out disdainful ‘no’s and obscenities every time my name sounded over the P.A. because I did much to the amusement of my other wonderful and slightly sadistic co-workers. A girl can’t help it if her automatic response to conflict is tell people to “suck a dick”. I am what I am.
Back to the ancient folks. At the end of the night I haphazardly managed to finish all of my duties leading up to closing with minutes to spare before I got to close those doors and refuse people service. I thought I finally had a chance to catch my breath but I was wrong.
Oh so very wrong…
While passing on my way to the back a little while prior I had taken notice of the little old asian woman trying to get my cashier to help her decipher if the battery in her hand matched whatever clock thing was in her other hand. I had taken notice because he’s taken out the battery from the packaging which policy says is a no-no and I told him she was supposed to purchase before he could open it.
When I emerged 10 min later to close the back entrance I noticed she was still there this time with a guy in line behind her. When I came back there was a full blown line and this lady was still going I don’t know what the fuck with that battery. We’ve 8 minutes before closing and I have a line of 5 people all behind this old lady who was making a fuss about this battery not working and wanting him to get her a different one. I don’t know why this thing took so long to sort out but I have a hunch it was her complete lack of understanding of how batteries work. I jumped in to get shit moving and she didn’t seem to comprehend anything I told her. I’m still not sure if it was a language barrier or a senile barrier but I’m leaning more towards the later.
Based on the old timer she wanted the battery for I doubt she knows what year it is.
Even after refunding her she still didn’t want to leave. With minutes before midnight I had to open another till to get people the fuck out and when everything was said and done she was still loitering around the exit but still very much in the store. It took two announcements that we were closed and another customer who took pity on my telling her to get out to finally get her to leave.
As a general rule, if the stores automatic lights dim, you should probably get the fuck out.
Some Offense Intended 